Programs of a Lesser God
by Pump Maeson
Summary: When a creature from a forbidden world pays a visit to Earth, a certain robot finds a deadly weapon, and learns the price one must pay for owning such a cursed object.
1. I've Come To See My Daughter!

"No, that's not possible! I saw them! I saw them haul you away! How are you standing here in front of me?" cried Monique.

"Yes! Exactly! I _was _arrested for stealing the Crystal Jaw of Appomattox, that much is true!" Calculon said as he held the mythical jaw in his right hand.

"Then how are you here?"

"That my dear is simple," he said as a devilish look came over his face. "After I was arrested I gave myself laser guided amnesia! In doing so, I completely forgot about my evil grave-robbing alter ego, thus proving my innocence! Since I had no knowledge of my crimes, no judge dared prosecute me!"

"That means you've come to see your son, haven't you?"

"Close. I've come to see... my _daughter_!"

* * *

"Woo! What a twist!" shouted Bender as he watched All My Circuits on the TV within Planet Express employee lounge with his best friend Fry. "I wonder how Calculon's estranged daughter will react upon finding out her own father is the very same person who robbed her twin sister's grave!"

"Isn't this like the time Calculon fond out his mother was actually his evil female future self from the past who tried to kill Calculon to prevent her future from disapearing?" Fry asked.

"NO!" shouted Bender, "Of course not! Don't be stupid! This is completely different! This time Calculon's great _granddaughter _from two hundred years in the future has traveled into the past to prevent Calculon from accidentally destroying the present with the powers of the evil voodoo witch who's currently hiding in the Crystal Jaw of Appomattox! Haven't you been paying attention?"

"Oh, now I see," Fry tilted his head slightly as he stared at the screen. "So, that girl is Calculon's granddaughter?"

"No! That's Calculon's nephew disguised as his aunt! What's so hard to understand?" grumbled Bender, who was growing increasingly annoyed with Fry's inability to remember what was happening on TV.

"What the hell happened in here?" exclaimed Hermes who had just entered the room to find the floor covered in garbage. Cans of Slurm piled high as the eye could see. Newspapers that could have been years old judging by the color of the paper lay scattered across the couch the two sat upon. Shoes, sandals, and roller-skates were scattered across the the room, with one hanging from the ceiling for seemingly no reason.

"I can explain that..." Fry raised his left hand as if he were in a class room being called upon to answer a question by the teacher. "You see, me and Bender, we were having a fight-"

"A shoe throwing fight!" Bender interrupted.

"Right, so we gathered up all the shoes we could find, but Bender told me it isn't really a shoe fight unless roller-skates are involved."

"What about that one hanging from the ceiling?" Hermes growled as he focused his eyes on the shining red and blue rollerskate that was stuck on the ceiling... or rather _in _the ceiling.

"Oh! Oh! _I_ can explain that one!" Bender began, "You see, I was trying to nail Fry with that one to send him flying out the window! But my aim was a little off, so it got lodged up there in the ceiling instead. No big deal."

"No big deal? What is wrong with you two? If we don't get that roller-skate out of the ceiling it will continue to crack until the entire building comes crashing down around us!" Hermes yelled as a small crack began to form and move it's way away from the roller-skate further across the ceiling above them. "Didn't you two learn your lesson the last time you got kicked out of Planet Express for your disgusting behavior?"

"No. Bender doesn't learn anything, and that was so long ago, I completely forgot until now." Fry squinted as he suddenly just who he was having a conversation with, "What do you want, Hermes? You usually don't talk to us except to inform us of something bad. Did you sell us into slavery?" asked Fry.

"No, mon. I'm looking for my stapler. I'm pretty sure I left it in here."

"What the hell do you need that for? You've already got plenty of staplers!" shouted Bender, raising his arms in the air.

"Yes, but I've got to fill out a Pine Green form, which requires Midnight Blue staples. I only have one Midnight Blue stapler, and I'm certain I left it in here!"

Fry crawled over to the other side of the couch, over Bender much to his dismay, and began shifting through the trash. He threw an old pizza box to his side, followed by numerous cans of Slurm, and a few shoes from the previous fight. He reached down deep into the pile of filth, and began moving his hand back and forth, feeling around with his hand. "Ah," Fry exclaimed as he raised his hand into the air, holding a blue stapler, "this what you're looking for?"

"My stapler!" cried Hermes as he rushed over and snatched it from Fry's hand. Which may not have been the best idea as Hermes soon found out. As soon as the stapler entered into his hands, he felt a cold, slimy substance coated it. Not only that, but the stapler itself gave off a terrible odor. It was as if something had died, and then something had crawled into that, then vomited, then died itself, and then thrown into a pot filled with the moldy food from Fry's apartment. Even though things weren't supposed to mold in the thirty first century, Hermes somehow knew the food in Fry's apartment was just covered in it. It was green, white, and red. That was the color of his food. And that smell, the smell of death, that was the smell of Hermes' stapler. He held his stapler away from his face, and gasped for air. The stench was far too overpowering, so Hermes dropped his blue stapler into a plastic bag, at least for the moment. "How did you find it in this godforsaken mess?"

"Simple. I knew where it was."

"But, but... Look at this room! It's amazing that you can find your way in and out!"

"Maybe for you, but I find that things are easiest to find when everything is dirty. That way you know where they are. It's when things are clean that they really get lost!" Fry explained.

"Shut up! The news is trying to tell me things!" Bender yelled.

* * *

"Today is Kira-Worship-Day, the day when all Earthlings express their love, and gratitude for their god and eternal savior, and thank him for killing all the bad people," explained Morbo.

"Sounds like a great day to light some fireworks, right Morbo?" asked Linda.

"Puny humans easily blow off their limbs with faulty fireworks. Morbo will enjoy his Kira-Worship-Day by spending it watching human heads explode," explained Morbo, which was quickly followed by the sound of Linda's laughter.

* * *

"Kira-Worship-Day? What's that?" Fry thought aloud.

"Fry, how long have you been in the future now, and you still haven't noticed an _annual _holiday?" Hermes sighed with disbelief.

"About eleven years. Not counting all those times I've gone back in time, or forward through time, or faded out of existence," answered Fry.

"Well you'd better start paying attention! I can't be the one to always explain these things to you!" and with that Hermes stormed out of the room, carrying the bag with his stapler in it in front of him, and making a mental note to wash his hand as soon as possible.

"Phew. That was a close one," exclaimed Bender, "I was sure he was going to make us clean up this place!"

"That reminds me," Hermes said turning back around the corner and peaking into the room, "you two had better clean this place up or else!"

"Or else what? We're fired?"

"Yes! And then after you're fired I'll have you killed!"

"What?" gasped Bender. "You can't do that!"

"Oh can't I? I happen to know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who's known for taking care of problems... and _he _knows a guy who kills people! So you'd better clean up this place before I get back, or else you'll find yourself at the bottom of a barrel filled with green snakes without a sugar cane! Have you ever seen how green snakes act when they're deprived of their sugar cane? Believe me when I say, you don't want to! No, no, no!" and with that Hermes once again left the two alone.

Bender cursed under his breath as he slowly picked up garbage off the floor, "Stupid no-good Midnight Blue Hermes, always thinking that he can- Hey!" Bender shouted as he looked up to see Fry exiting the room, "Aren't you going to help me clean?"

"Sorry, Bender, I can't, I'm busy tonight."

"What? But you love to clean up after me!"

"I do?"

"Yes!"

"That doesn't sound like me..." Fry paused to think about it, before shrugging it off. "Anyway, I have to get ready for my date with Leela, we're going to-"

"Leela this, Leela that. It's like that's all you ever talk about anymore!"

"Bender, you'll have to get used to this now that Leela and I are dating. Don't worry, I'll be back later tonight."

"Fine. Whatever. I don't need you. Just leave me alone to rust and die, like a pet owner who gets a new cat, and forgets all about Bender. Who's that they'll say, and you'd answer 'Oh, it's no one'. No one indeed! Just Bender! The very same Bender who you promised to love and cherish! But now that you've got your fancy new poodle you don't need old Bender anymore, is that how it is? Like a caveman who gets a new dinosaur and forgets all about their pet dragon! Well dragons need love too, damn it! You hear me, Fry?"

"Sure, whatever you say, Bender!" Fry called out.

Bender looked out the window to see Fry was already outside, stepping inside a taxi. He clearly hadn't heard a word Bender said. "Sigh," Bender sighed.


	2. You Don't Know Who Kira Is?

"Stupid Fry, stupid Leela, stupid Hermes. Everyone is stupid except, Bender! Making me clean up after myself! Who do they think they are?" Bender mumbled to himself, as he dragged a large bag filled with trash out of the Planet Express building and down the sidewalk. "If I wasn't so lazy I'd give them a piece of my mind!"

As Bender continued to drag the large trash bag across the sidewalk a rip began to develop, until it was so large that almost all of the contents of the bag had spilled out across the sidewalk and street. "Damn it!" he cursed kicking some of the cans that had fallen out of the bag. He then picked up the remains of the torn trash bag, and ripped them into smaller pieces, tossing them in the air.

The shreds of the garbage bag were quickly picked up by a breeze, and blown higher, and further away from Bender, "That's right! You leave too! I don't need you! I'll just dump this crap in the sewer! Then we'll see what's what! You hear me, you- Gwaagh!" Bender yelled out as a pain struck him in the back of the head. He fell forward, landing face first on the hard concrete below. Bender quickly picked himself off the ground and began to look for the being who knocked him down.

"Who did that?" he asked as he glanced back and forth, but there was no one in sight. He looked up, but no one was down there either. He bent down and peaked into the sewers via a nearby storm drain, "Hello? Anyone down here? Mutants? Zoidberg?"

Bender got back up, and began to look around. He scanned the area and quickly found just what had hit him. It was a black notebook, which he reached down and picked it up. On the cover the words _Death Note _were written in white letters. "Who threw this highly disturbing piece of literature? Everyone knows Bender only reads provocative depictions of amatory, featuring sexy fembots not wearing their user required surge protectors!"

Bender decided to investigate the notebook furthur. Upon opening it up he discovered that the first few pages consisted of writing, while the rest were completely blank. "Who would throw away a perfectly good notebook like this? Think of all the piñatas someone could make out of this paper!" and with that he threw the notebook in his chest compartment before pushing the garbage into the sewer.

He made his way back into the Planet Express building, and entered the the Professor's laboratory only to find the Professor lighting candles in front of what appeared to be some sort of shrine, "What'cha up to brainwad?"

"Wha? Oh, Bender!" the Professor exclaimed, turning around to see the shiny metal robot. "Well, I'm merely burning these scented candles, in an attempt to help summon the spirit of the mythtical entity known simply as Kira."

"Who the hell is that?"

"Bender! You don't know who Kira is?"

"Bender doesn't know who Kira is?" Hermes cried upon overhearing the conversation as he walked by. He was a few minutes ahead of his deadline, so he decided he could stop for a few minutes to help the Professor better inform Bender.

"Oh, jeez," Bender whined.

"Kira was a important spiritual leader during the twenty first century who rid the world of crime, war, and taught us how to love again," the Professor explained.

"So, this guy was basically the Jesus of the twenty first century?" asked Bender.

"Exactly!" shouted Hermes, "Except instead of using kindness and carpentry to bring the world together, he chose murder and malice!"

"Like a true American hero!" added the Professor. "Now that we've got that matter out of the way," he continued, "would you two leave a mad scientist be? I have to pray to Kira now, to ask for his forgiveness for creating so many doomsday devices... and to ask him to kill Hermes."

Hermes' jaw dropped, "What did I do?"

"You got me audited on my tax return! I had to pay almost _two hundred _dollars to the government! Do you know what the government's going to do with my money? I sure as hell don't! But that doesn't mean I want them to have it!"

"It's your own damn fault for lying to me about how much money you made last year!"

"Oh! You steal one pot of leprechaun gold and suddenly everyone wants a piece of you!"

"Fine, if you really must have someone killed why don't you ask Kira to kill someone who doesn't matter," Hermes said as he began to think up a potential victim. "Someone who's completely replaceable. Someone who contributes nothing to society. Someone who no one would notice disappeared. Someone who... Oh, forget it, let's just kill Zoidberg."

"What?" Zoidberg asked, as he walked out of a chamber that was sitting nearby.

"Zoidberg? What were you doing in there?" the Professor yelled as steam literally shot from his ears. "Oh my. It seems I've forgotten to take my medication again. Regardless, the question still stands. Just what were you doing in there?"

"Oh, I was having the most wonderful time. There was a group of ninjas dressed in all the color of the rainbows, except, there were no female ninjas. Though, to be quite honest I did notice that a few of the man ninjas did appear somewhat docile. At first I thought they were horses of some kind, due to the way the other ninjas-"

"Shut up! Do you have any idea what you've done? That's my latest creation, a device that can send your mind into any fan fiction on the internet so you can experience it yourself first hand. However, I abandoned the project the moment I discovered that fan fiction is nothing more than a glorified way for adolescent girls with small breasts to see their favorite fictional characters get into strange and impregnating positions! When it's not that it's usually some mimbo writing themselves into a story where they get all the hot chicks, and punch Super-Hitler in the face! How is that fair? _I _want to be able to punch Super-Hitler in the face! _Me_!"

"So, basically what you're saying is you created a device that lets you view crappily written stories, with even worse characters, full of copyright infringement, plagiarism, and pointless smut? Don't we already have something like that called Seth MacFarlane?" asked Bender.

"Wait, what's all this about killing?" Zoidberg asked.

"Very well, Hermes. If you really think it's for the best... I'll pray to Kira to have you _both _killed," said the Professor as he began to kneel before his shrine, and chant mystical sounding nonsense.

"No need, Professor," said Bender, "I'll take care of it myself." He opened his chest compartment and pulled out the black notebook from before. He glanced over at the Professor's desk, and saw a shiny pen sitting on it. He quickly swiped then pen off the desk, and opened the notebook, before quickly rolling it up, and hitting both Hermes and Zoidberg over the head with it, causing them both to fall to the ground due to the force of impact.

"Why thank you, Bender!"

"Eh, no problem. But it's gonna cost you about five hundred big ones for taking care of these meatbags," he said as he kicked Zoidberg in the stomach. "And also this pen!" he shouted as he held the pen in the air, "I like it 'cause it because it goes good with this new notebook I found, me, Bender."

"Yes, yes. Very well, I suppose I have no choice... I... You don't mind being paid in gold, do you?" the Professor asked as he turned around, and began struggling with something, before dropping a black pot filled to the brim with gold on the desk in front of them.

"Well, I was really hoping for cash, but if I have no other choice I guess I can accept gold! You'll have to give me an extra hundred pieces for compensation though!"

"Sweet cheetah of planet Vegeta! Is that what I think it is?" Hermes cried out as he lain on the floor in pain. He glanced upward, and looked at the black notebook gripped in Bender's metallic hand before letting out a gasp, "That _is _what I think it is!" Hermes crawled over, and grabbed a hold of Bender's leg, latching himself to it, "Bender! Where did you get that notebook?"

"I dunno. Some kids chucked it at me when I was taking out the trash," he replied as he tried to shake Hermes off his leg.

"Bender! That notebook is from Thantos 5!"

"How can you tell?"

"Because, as a bureaucrat I've trained myself to notice the tinest of details. For example, on the back of that notebook it clearly says 'Made on Thantos 5'."

Bender turned his notebook over, and looked at the back cover, "Well what do you know? It does say that! Well, I'm off!"

"But, Bender! Having possession of an object from Thantos 5 is in clear violation of DOOP-"

"What part of 'I'm off' don't you understand?" Bender asked as he turned around to face Hermes once more before leaving Planet Express.


	3. The Grim Reaper, Huh?

Fry road up the elevator making his way to Bender's room in the apartment which the two lived, "Gee, I hope Bender wasn't too upset about me leaving earlier."

The elevator doors opened, and Fry found himself walking down the hallway to their door. The door opened before him, revealing a tiny room the size of a closet. He stepped inside, as the door in front of him opened, followed by the door behind him shutting. Standing in front of him was a menacing metal figure, gleaming from the moonlight that was streaming through the window, and bouncing off his shiny metal body.

"Hello, _Fry_."

"Hey, Bender. What're you doing here so late? I thought you'd be out gambling, or selling kidneys on the black market."

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you _Fry_?"

"Why do you keep putting so much emphasis on my name?"

"I hadn't notice, _Fry_! I guess sometimes people do things without thinking about them, _Fry_! Like lying to their friends!"

"What're you talking about, Bender?"

"You said you'd be back later tonight! But it's not tonight anymore! It's tomorrow!"

"Huh?"

"You told me you'd be back tonight after your date with Leela! But do you know what time it is?"

Fry lifted his wrist to his face, and glanced down at his watch, "It's eleven fifty nine."

"No! It's twelve seconds _past _eleven fifty nine, and your watch is a piece of crap!" Bender yelled as he yanked Fry's watch off his wrist, before throwing it on the floor and stopping on it multiple times. "If it wasn't for that 'Leela' you'd have been home on time, and we could've been doing something fun like riding unicycles or scamming orphans!"

"That's what this is about? You're mad at me for having a relationship with Leela?"

"No! I'm mad at you for spending too much time with her, and not enough with me!"

"You're one to talk. Didn't you just get out of a relationship with Amy?"

"No! Yes! Graaagh! I only married her to steal her money, which I never got to do!"

"So what do you want me to do? Stop seeing Leela?"

"Yes! Now that we've gotten that out of the why don't you and me play some pinball? I'll get the pins!"

"No, Bender. I'm not going to break up with Leela!"

"What? But you just said you would!"

"No I didn't! If you're going to keep treating me like this then I'm going to leave!"

"Fine! You do that!" Bender shouted as he turned his back on Fry.

"Fine. If that's the way you want it," Fry sighed, before walking out the door. "Bye, Bender."

Bender refused to acknowledge the goodbye. He just stared out the window with his arms crossed, ignoring his friend. Soon Fry left, and Bender was left alone with his thoughts. This didn't last long however, as Bender was interrupted by the sound of a disturbing voice coming from behind him. He turned around to see a tall, dark, demonic looking figure standing in front of him.

"So, you're the guy who picked up my notebook? You don't look very entertaining. Well, I can always hope."

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?" Bender demanded.

"I flew in through the window," the mysterious figure laughed. "You should really learn to keep those shut."

"What are you? Some kind of Libertarian?"

"What? No! I'm a Shinigami!"

"A Shin-of-yam-yee?"

"A God of Death! Like the Grim Reaper."

"The Grim Reaper, huh? You've got the wrong guy, the Professor lives at-"

"Bender Bending Rodriguez. No, you're the person I'm looking for!"

"How did you know my name!" gasped Bender. "Have you been going through my mail?"

"Let's just say my eyes can see things others can not."

"So what? My eyes allow me to see everything all skeletony!"

"You mean an x-ray?"

"Whatever. I also have porno-vision, but you don't hear me bragging!"

"This is going no where. Let me just cut to the chase. My name is Ry-"

"Boring."

"Fine. Allow me to skip to the interesting part. That notebook you picked up belongs to me. Being a God of Death, I have the power to take lives, as does that notebook."

"So what you're saying is, this notebook has the power to kill people?" Bender asked as he retrived the notebook from his chest compartment.

"Exactly. All you need to do is write down the name of the person you want to kill in the notebook, and think of their face while you do it. You then have forty seconds to write down the cause of death; the way they die. After which you have six minutes and forty seconds to write in any additional details of death. If you choose to write in nothing that person will simply die of a heart attack."

"So let me get this straight, this notebook," Bender said as he held the Death Note in the air, "is capable of killing anyone, anywhere, anyway I tell it to?"

"More or less."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Why don't you test it for yourself?" the shinigami asked as he picked up a remote from a nearby table. He pressed down on a red button, and a bright light filled the dark room as the television came to life. On the screen an episode of Late Night with Humorbot 5.0 was being broadcast live. At the moment Humorbot seemed to be interviewing the head of Conan O'Brien.

* * *

"So, Conan O'Brien, I heard that you recently lost your late night television show to Jay Leno's chin in a jar. Would you care to tell my audience how that felt?"

"Well, you know how it is. It's all business. I'm just worried about what's going to happen to my staff. LaBamba is being taken away to away to an assisted living facility due to his mental condition, and the Self-Pleasuring Panda was put to sleep due to his cronic self love addiction. They deemed him a 'danger to society'."

* * *

"Why don't you kill that guy?" the shinigami asked.

"But if he's just a head in a jar how can I give him a heart attack?"

"Well, uh..."

"Forget it, I'll just write something else down," Bender said as he scribbled something down in the notebook. "Watch and see the creativity that is Bender."

* * *

"...and that's when they told me they could clone me a new body... with legs three times as large."

"Excuse me while I grab my cup filled with nothing which I will use to mimic a drinking motion in order to make me appear more relatable to the audience," Humorbot said as he reached for his cup. Unfortunately when reaching for his glass, he knocked Conan's head jar off the stool which it was sitting on. The jar fell to the ground, and shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces.

"Help!" Conan cried as his head began to roll across the floor. "Someone catch me, and get another jar to put my ungodly pale, orange head in!" Conan's head continued to roll, until it rolled into the area where one of the other guests was staying. It happened to be an animal expert, who sadly had a tiger with her.

The tiger noticed Conan's head, and thought it was nothing more than a big, furry, orange ball. The tiger suddenly broke free of it's cage. It pounced on Conan, and started batting his head back and forth between it's large paws. Eventually the tiger grew bored of this, and took Conan's head in it's mouth, and started shaking him back and forth.

"No, Tiny! Don't swallow him! He's mostly made of hair! You'll choke!" cried a hippie girl who happened to be the animal expert. "Heel!" Tiny looked up, and obeyed his master by dropping the head. The hippie girl ran over to grab it, but in her rush she accidently kicked the head high into the air, where it nevertheless landed in the worst place possible... a tank full of snapping turtles.

The turtles all began to swarm around Conan, snapping at him, and pulling him apart from every direction. "No, not the hair! Anywhere but the hair!" he screamed. One of the larger turtles grabbed a hold of Conan and dragged him down beneath the water in an attempt to keep it's meal away from the other turtles.

"Oh my gosh! Those genetically altered turtles are going to kill him," she cried as she rushed over to the tank. Sadly, despite her best intentions, she was still a rather clumsy person, and accidently bumped into the tank knocking the heating lightbulb that sat over it into the water, electrocuting everything inside.

"This is rather unfortunate," Humorbot said as he entered the guest-room with a group of cameramen, "it appears my good friend Conan O'Brien has died do to an unlikely series of events. Disappointingly we did not manage to capture it on camera. Nonetheless, we can be sure that his death was terrifying, and excruciatingly painful."

* * *

"That was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen!" the shinigami shouted with a hint of excitement in his voice.

"So this really does work? This gives me an idea!" Bender said as he rubbed his hands together, and began to laugh evilly. "With the power of this notebook, I Bender, swear to use it's demonic power to make my life more comfortable, and luxurious! From this moment on I shall be known to the world as... Benra!"

The shinigami just stood there and laughed, "Robots are so... interesting!"


	4. They Get The CLAMPS!

"What is this place? Why are we going here? Hey, are you listening to me?" the shinigami asked as he and Bender walked into the Robot Mafia's HQ in Little Bitaly.

"Yes! Now shut up!" Bender replied as he opened the freezer in the very back of the building and walked inside. "Hello, goons and goonettes."

"Who is this guy?" Donbot asked as he sat in his chair with Clamps and Joey Mousepad by his sides. "And why does he refer to us as goons and 'goonettes'. I do not see any women around here, do you?"

"No, of course not, boss," Joey answered.

"Of course not. We don't allow women in the Robot Mafia, so why would he imply that we do?"

"Should I clamp 'em, boss?" Clamps asked.

"Not yet, Clamps. Clearly this implying of women in the Robot Mafia is a sign of high confidence. Let us hear what he has to say before we make any decisions regarding the clamping," Donbot asked before turning to Bender. "You have my attention. Let's hope you don't squander it like so many girl-scouts and door-to-door salesmen. Clamps, why don't you inform our visitor of what happens to people who waste my time."

"They get the **CLAMPS**!"

"That's all well and good," Bender said as he began to walk towards the the trio, "but I can offer something better than just an old fashioned clamping."

"What? Nothing is better than the clamps! I'm gonna clamp him! I'm gonna clamp him!"

"Whoa, Clamps," Joey said as he held back the psychotic robot, "no one is insulting the clamps, alright? Now, let's just calmly hear what he has to say."

Clamps cursed under his non-existent breath, "Think he's got something better than the clamps. Nothing beats the clamps. I should clamp him for..."

"Well, now that we've got that crap out of the way, why don't we just cut to the chase shall we?" Bender asked, "I have in my possession a device that allows me to kill anyone, anywhere, any-time. And you're a group of killers who need people killed, any-place, anyway. Anyhow, I would think it would be in our best interest to combine my ability to kill people, with your need to make people dead."

"I don't know. I would have to consider it. I'm not one to make snap decisions just like that," Donbot explained.

"Oh come on!" Bender whined.

"Very well. You have convinced me with your strong words to take you up on your offer... If you prove you can kill as you say you can!"

"Oh, well... I never thought I'd actually have to kill people... I was just planning to scam you, and take all your money!"

"What?"

"Ahahaha!" Bender laughed, "Oh, I got you good! No, I'm totally screwing with you. I can definitely kill anyone you want. I already have a victim planned out. Turn on the TV!"

Joey walked over to a television sitting nearby on a wooden crate and turned it on. Playing at that moment was a basketball game. The Harlem Globetrotters were neck in neck with the dark Shadow Globetrotters from the Phantom World.

* * *

"Time to make the winning shot that will prove that the real Globetrotters are superior to our Shadow World counterparts, but not before I boast a bit more to prove our complete and utter superiority," Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate said as he spun the ball on his fingertip.

* * *

"What's happening? I don't see anything happening!" Donbot said. "You told me you could kill anyone. Kill him now, or face the clamps!"

"Just give me a minute," Bender cried. "Oh, wait, look! Something's happening on TV!" he said as he quickly pulled out the Death Note and scribbled something inside. "Oh no, I guess it's nothing."

"I've had just about enough of this. If he doesn't die within forty seconds, then I will have no choice but to let Clamps loose with the clamps. I say forty seconds because I believe that is a fair amount of time to wait before ending your life if you are unable to end his."

* * *

"The time for showboating is over! I will now throw this ball into the hoop, and win the game, proving once and for all who the superior basketball players are!" Tate explained. However, before he could throw the ball, he gripped his chest in pain, and fell the floor; the basketball spinning on his finger the entire time. "Damn, it seems my time is up. I can feel myself entering into a world of pain - the pain of never being able to finish my final game" he cried, before throwing the ball through the air, which landed in the hoop seconds before the timer ran out. "Did I say pain? I meant pure bliss."

"You can't die on us, fool! Who will lead the Globetrotters if not you?" asked 'Sweet' Clyde.

"As the current living - though not for long - leader of the Harlem Globetrotters, I pass the torch of leadership onto you 'Sweet' Clyde, for you were always my favorite."

"You don't mean that! You've got so many games ahead of you!"

"No, Clyde. It is my time to embark to the great basketball court in the sky."

"Gaaahh! Won't he die already?" yelled Bender just as he heard the sweet sound of Tate's dying gasp through the television, "Finally!"

"He's shootin' hoops in Heaven now!" cried 'Curly' Joe.

* * *

"I am impressed. I didn't believe you could actually kill someone without even doing anything besides momentarily distracting me while you did something over there, which may or may not have been related to death which I have just witnessed on TV,"  
Donbot explained.

"So I'm in?"

"You are in."

"Woohoo!" Bender cheered, "Back in the Robot Mafia again! Maybe I'll stay with it for more than one day this time. Probably not."

* * *

Over a period of a few weeks Bender had made a large and still growing fortune from his wet-work. The mafia payed him handsomely, and there was no slowing him down. Some of the people he killed were well known, others not so much. Typically Bender would just write that person's name down in his notebook, and let them die of heart attacks, but other times he would feel creative and give them some sort of wacky and crazy death that would get on the news.

This caused problems for the Robot Mafia, since some of the people they needed dead were well known adversaries of theirs, and the last thing they needed was their deaths being broadcast for the whole universe to see. Bender was a loose cannon. He was useful, but extremely dangerous. At the moment his benefits outweighed his shortcomings, but that would only last as long as he made good on the killings.

"Bender, how I've missed my favorite kill-bot. Though you are not actually a kill-bot, you are a robot who kills, so none the less you warrent the title of kill-bot," Donbot exclaimed upon seeing Bender walk into their HQ.

"I took care of that snitch who was giving away all of your secrets," Bender said.

"We had a snitch?"

"Yeah, but you don't know him. Just some guy."

"Well, I find that hard to believe considering the Robot Mafia which you are currently a part of is comprised of only four members, yourself included."

"Yeah, how about that," Bender laughed nervously.

"Regardless, I have a new mission for you, kill-bot Bender."

"Oh, so we're calling them missions now?"

"Joey Mousepad, give him the picture," Donbot commanded, and Joey walked over and handed Bender a photograph.

Bender looked down at it to see a tiny, fuzzy, rainbow-colored, alien with huge eyes, and the cutest smile anyone had ever seen. In fact, it was probably the cutest creature in existence. It was so cute it was almost disturbing. "What the hell is this?"

"That's a Snugglesnit. They come from the planet Cuddledum, and I need you to kill it!"

"Sure, but why?"

"Explain to him our predicament, Joey Mousepad."

"This particular Snugglesnit has started his own business which is very much like our own. You could say he's a 'garbageman'," Joey explained.

"So what, this guy started his own mafia?"

"Exactly! But he also works as a garbageman on weekends. Sort of a hobby of his. The problem is Snugglesnits are so cute, everyone automatically trusts them, and they're stealing all our business!"

"We need you make an example out of him," Donbot explained. "Can you do that for us, Bender?"

"Snugglesnit, huh? Man, I've hated those things ever since you told me what they were fifteen seconds ago! So, yeah, I'll do."

"Wonderful. But remember, if anything goes wrong-"

"I know, I know, 'the clamps'!"

"The clamps? He said _**THE CLAMPS**_!" Clamps yelled as he rapidly clamped the air.

"Calm down, Clamps. We'll find you something to clamp. Maybe a nice pipe, or a piece of wood," Donbot said.

"Or a hobo!" Bender added.

"Exactly."

"Well, it's settled then, Bender is off to take care of the thing he hates most, the dreaded... What was it called again?" asked Bender.

"Snugglesnit," Joey said.

"Yeah, that!"


	5. Probably Just A Dead Cat!

"Why are we here? This is boring!" the Shinigami sneered.

"You heard the Donbot! I have to kill the Snugglesnit who opened is own mafia," Bender explained. "Haven't you been paying attention to anything?"

"Nah. I never needed to pay attention before. Light always explained things to me."

"Yeah, that's great," Bender said not even paying attention to the shinigami anymore. His eyes extended, zooming in on the Snugglesnit headquarters. From the outside it appeared to be a small, but fuzzy, rainbow colored building. Standing outside were two Snugglesnits guarding the entrance.

The Snugglesnits themselves didn't appear too dangerous. They were small, and fuzzy, much like their HQ. They had stumpy arms and legs, and two tiny spring shaped antenna on each side of their head. Attached to the end of each antenna was a small glowing orb.

"I'm going to need to find a way to get in there, but how?" Bender asked himself.

"Oranges! Get your oranges! I also sell apples, but mostly specialize oranges," an orange salesman who happed to be standing nearby called out.

"That's it! I'll pummel them with oranges! They look so small and weak! Their little bodies could hardly handle it!"

"_WAIT!"_ the shinigami yelled quite suddenly.

"What?"

"I... Uh..." the shinigami began as he cleared his throat. "That's not the best idea. You should try using stealth instead. Hey, that's an idea! Why don't you buy a box full of apples, and hide inside it! That way they could take you inside, and you wouldn't have to do any work!"

"Hmm," Bender thought as he rubbed the area where his chin would be, "I like the way you think! The less work the better! Oh, but wait... What would I do with all those apples?"

"I don't know. I guess I could guard them until you get back! Yeah, you could just set them down on the ground, and I'll stay here and look after them. You can trust me! Honest!"

"But what will you do if someone comes along and tries to steal an apple? I thought I was the only one who could see you?"

"Let's not worry about the details. You'd better hurry if you want to get done with your mission and kill those guys!"

Bender glanced over at the shinigami, and gave him a distrustful look. However, he was right, the sooner he killed the leader of this new mafia the better. Bender walked over to the man who was selling oranges, and picked up an apple from his wooden hover cart."Hmm, these apples seem quite good. They're large, and red, and- Ahh! Hurry! Look over there! Something's happening!"

The orange salesman quickly turned his head, and looked in the direction that Bender was pointing. As he did so, Bender violently hit the apple against the wooden cart, causing a large bruise to form on it. "It's gone. Probably just a dead cat," Bender said every so casually. "Well, this apple look nice. That is except for the _**large and grotesque bruise!**_"

The orange salesman gasped, "No. That 'tis impossible! All of my apples are of the - how do you say - highest quality! I would not even dare of thinking about dreaming of selling apples of below perfection!"

"Yeah well, this one has a bruise! How do I know that all of your apples aren't weird and deformed? Or worse... _green!_"

"No! _**NO! **_I would never sell a green apple! It was a green apple which was given to Eve in the Garden of Eden by the serpent, Satan! The fruit is born in the bowels of the devil, and I would most certainly take my own life before I sold it here! I spit on the fruit! Like _this!_" the salesman said as he began to spit all over his fruit sitting on his cart, as well as on Bender.

"Gagh!" Bender cried as the man's spit hit his body.

"Did you see! That was how I would spit if I saw a green apple! Would you like me to show you again?"

"No! No, no. That won't be necessary," said Bender as he pulled a squeegee out of his chest, and began wiping the man's saliva off his body. "So, these fruit are all wet," Bender said as he finished wiping himself off, "do you think we could see some dry ones? Maybe some in robot sized boxes?"

"Why yes, of course, right over here," the salesman said, as he lead Bender behind the cart where a number of boxes filled with apples and oranges sat. "Go ahead, open it up! That way you'll know for sure that my apples are only the best, reddest apples on the planet."

"Nah, I'll take your word for it," Bender said shaking his hand back and forth. "Let me just get out my checkbook."

"What a beautiful checkbook you have!" the salesman exclaimed. "I admire how large, and black it is! And how it is covered in white letters that spell out the word 'Death', as well as others. Well, I suppose you'll be needing my name, so you can write it down in your checkbook."

"Yep. That's exactly what I need it for... my... checkbook."

"My name is Stalin Mussolini Hitler. It's a family name. I don't know why, but whenever people hear of my name, they leave in disgust, and don't pay me for their oranges. Do you think it's my accent?"

"Uh, yeah. It's probably that. So I take it your business isn't going to good then?"

"No, not so much. It seems that this planet gets most of it's oranges from the Orange Planet, which not only grows oranges, but is actually orange! Orange sky, orange ocean, orange people, but surprisingly not the oranges! They are _yellow! _I'm actually starting to think that maybe they're lemons, but who's to say. Not me. For I'm just a simple orange salesman, with a simple floating wooden cart. I'm in no position to question the orange industry."

"So you really need my money, huh?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. If I do not make a sale soon, surely I will starve to death."

"Couldn't you just eat your oranges?"

"No. I could never! These oranges... they are like children to me! Besides... I hate oranges! In retrospect it probably wasn't a good idea to go into a business selling something I find - how do you say - to taste like... uh... human vomit. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Well, don't worry, Stalin," Bender said as he wrote down his name, "I'm sure you're life will be much easier from now on."

"Really?"

"Sure. _From a certain point of view..._" Bender said as he began to laugh. A grin came over his face as he stared at the salesman. It wasn't long before forty seconds passed by.

"Aaagh! My heart... it... _feels just fine!_ May I have my check now?"

"Yeah, sure," Bender said as he handed over the check he had written forty seconds earlier. "Hope that helps you out."

"Thank you, you are a godsend!"

"No problem," Bender said as he walked away into an ally, and dumped the apples onto the ground.

"You didn't kill that guy? But I thought you wrote his name in your notebook?"

"No! I wrote his name in my _checkbook_. Sheesh. Just because I have a Death Note doesn't mean I have to kill everyone I see," Bender sighed as he shook his head. "Here, guard these apples. I'm going in!"

"Can do!" the shinigami said as a large fish-like grin appeared on his face. He began to laugh manically as he picked up an apple and threw it into his mouth, "I'll guard them alright. Guard them from anyone who might take them away from _ME!_"

"Um... I'm standing right here, you know."

The shinigami laughed nervously, "Right, right. I knew that."

"Whatever," Bender said as he rolled his eyes. "This time I'm going in for real!" he said as he climbed inside the box, so that only the bottom of his legs were sticking out. He rushed across the street and hid behind a bush as he peered through the hole in the side of the box. The Snugglesnits were still guarding the entrance to their building. "_Perfect_," Bender thought to himself. "Uh, help!" he called out, "I'm a over here, and I need everyone to look at me."

The Snugglesnit guards both turned their heads towards the left.

"No, you idiots! Turn to your right! To! Your! Right!"

The Snugglesnits turned to their right, just as Bender dashed over. He quickly flipped his box over so the top was on top, while sealing it from the inside out.

"Ding Dong! Box delievery!"

"Did we ordwer a box?" one of the Snugglesnits asked in an incredibly high pitched, overly cute, but still completely annoying voice.

"Um, I dunno," the more feminine sounding Snugglesnit answered. "Wet us take it inside, where we can exwamine it more cwosely."

The other Snugglesnit nodded. They struggled to pick up the box with their stubby arms, before eventually managing to position it on their backs, "So heavy! Somehow I get the feeling this is going to flair up my arthritis!" the female cried. They crawled inside carrying the box on their backs the entire way before dropping the box off in their boss' office.

"Here you go boss," the male Snugglesnit said. "I don't know why you'd owder a box of apples, or why they'd weigh a ton, and insult us constantwy on the way over here, but I'm just a guard. It's not my place to judge."

"Thwank you, Snitlings. Now pwease. Lweave me be," their leader said from behind his chair.

The two nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind them.

"Stwange. I don't wemember owdering any apples. Oh wewll. I guess I'll open it up and have a pweak inside!"


	6. Nothing! Now Drink Up!

"As I was swaying, I will now open this bwox!"

"_**Boo!**_" Bender shouted as he lurched out from inside the apple box.

"Oh, God! Another assassin hiding in a box of fruit. Well, I guess I'll just go get my gun-"

"Wait! You're not scared? Ah, damn it! I _knew _I should've put on my bumble bee outfit before I jumped out. You would have been _so _scared. You'd be all like, 'Hey, what's this box of apples doing here?', then I'd be all like 'Woooo! I'm a giant bee! _Fear me!_'"

"Yeah, well, tough luck. Maybe next time, eh, pal?"

"Hey, did your voice just get deeper? Why aren't you talking all high pitched and cutesy-like?"

"Oh, that ol' shtick? Yeah, I only pretend to be all cute and cuddly when my retarded underlings are around. In reality I'm little more than a _huge _bastard!"

Bender gasped, "You said _'retarded'! _You're not supposed to say that!"

"Well, what? It's true! The only reason I hired those sacks of dumb in the first place is 'cause the labor law says that I have to hire the 'mentally handicapped', or something stupid crap like that! Plus... they're my brother and sister, so my ma would be all on my case if I didn't... You know how it is."

"Wow," Bender said as he glanced around the dimly lit room. The top of the walls were covered in what appeared to be skulls of various creatures. No doubt previous victims of this particular Snugglesnit. The rest of the room was decorated in what appeared to be medieval torture devices, with the occasional Tommy Gun or severed limb lying about. "I take it you don't get company often?"

"Hell no! Unless you count all the people who've tried to kill me. In which case I'm a fairly decent hostess."

"Wait! You're a woman?"

"Yeah? What's it to ya?" the Snugglesnit asked as she began to cough violently. Suddenly a large rainbow colored ball of fur flew out of it's mouth. "Sweet Mother of God! Did you see the size of that thing? This is the reason we have showers, right? To prevent this kinda crap. But sometimes late at night, I just can't help but curl up on my bed, and lick myself... _in places._"

"Ew!"

"I guess old habits die hard, huh? So we gonna do this thing, or what?"

"Do what thing?" Bender asked.

"You know. This whole thing we got goin' on here," the Snugglesnit said as she moved her finger back and forth pointing at herself, then Bender, and vice versa. "You try and kill me, I hypnotize you with my head-balls," she said as the glowing orbs that sat on her antennae began to flash, and change color rapidly.

"I _could _try to kill you, and you _could _try to hypnotize me, but let's face the facts here, shall we? I couldn't possibly kill you, you're too cute - albeit horribly ugly on the inside. As for me, I'm a robot - and quite a robot at that - so you couldn't hypnotize me even if you tried. I say we just sit down, have a nice long discussion about society, and a couple of drinks. What do you say?"

"Well..." the Snugglesnit paused for a moment which seemed to cause her flashing antennae to slow down somewhat. "It has been quite a while since I've had anyone to talk to. God knows I can't talk to those dimwits who guard the door, I mean c'mon! You saw 'em! They hauled you in here inside an apple box for God's sake! I mean really! They couldn't tell you weighed like ten hundred pounds?"

Bender began to laugh, "Yeah! I was even insulting them the entire way!"

The Snugglesnit to began to laugh at the thought of it, "Oh, God! I can imagine it now! 'Hey, you dumb ass-faces! Your mother hates you, and the only reason she sent you to live with your sister is 'cause she doesn't want you around the house when she comes home drunk with one of her one night stands!'" The Snugglesnit continued to laugh for sometime thereafter despite the fact that Bender had stopped laughing quite a while before. "Oh, Lord, that cracks me up! Yeah, I guess you could stay for a moment or two. Sit down, have a drink!"

"I already have!" Bender said as the Snugglesnit turned around, and gasped as she spotted Bender drinking a bottle of priceless whisky.

* * *

A few drinks later the Snugglesnit and Bender were both deep in conversation. They had discussed many things in there time together: The Battle of Tarantulon 6, the state of the Snugglesnit home-world Cuddledum, and the rulership Ra-Ra the Sun King. Eventually the conversation turned towards romance.

"So, that's how I lost my third husband."

"Tsk, typical woman," Bender said as he swirled the whisky is his glass.

"Yes, I guess you could say I'm a real _man eater,_" the Snugglesnit said before she broke into a fit of laughter. "You could even say I... chew 'em up... and spit 'em out! No, no! In fact, you could say, I'm actually a _monster_ who goes around finding potential mates, _swooning _'em, before ultimately _devouring_, where their remains _fester _in my stomach organ!"

"I get it. I get it. You eat your spouses. Oy."

"God! I have a good time with you, robot. I... Hey, I don't even know your name!"

"My name? Oh that's not important. It's just Bender. Bender the Great," replied Bender. "Speaking of names, what might yours be?"

The Snugglesnit burst out laughing once again, "Whoo boy! I wouldn't be alive right now if I just gave out my name to everyone who wanted to know. You know what I'm saying?"

"Unfortunately, I do. Here, have another drink. Maybe after I get a bit more alcohol in you your inhibition will be lowered enough that you'll tell me your name!"

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Now, drink up!" Bender said as he refilled the Snugglesnit's glass.

"Oh, why thank you, Bender the Great. Say, you wouldn't happen to be single, would you?"

* * *

A few drinks later the conversation had taken many more twists and turns. From pornography to gambling to smoking to drinking until the conversation became even more disturbing than it had previously been.

"So, you're actually a woman, right?"

"Whaaaaat? Why do you ask?" the Snugglesnit asked as she threw a bottle against the wall, just barely missing Bender. "Am I not sexual enough for you? Am I not the pa-nickle... uh... pinnacle of womanly achievement?"

"It's nothing like that! It's just, some guys I know were talking about you, and they said you were a guy, so I'm kinda curious... What exactly do you got going on down there?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know," Bender said as he twirled his hand in a circular motion. "Do you have a hot-dog, or a taco? So to speak."

"A what now?"

"A cat, or a dog?"

"I... don't follow."

"What shape is your tubing? Do you have an inner-tube or a... more... outward going... hose shaped... device... of sorts..."

"You'll have to be more clear."

"You know what? Forget it! Hey, I have an idea! How about another round of drinks?"

* * *

"Alrighty! But we're out of whisky. We'll have to drink Vodka if that's alrighty with you? Kay?" she giggled.

After another round of drinks, followed by yet another round after that, the conversation had devolved mostly into drunken slurs. A few actual conversations had taken place, most of them about some sort of strange and highly disturbing talking potato-man-head who would often brutally tear out his own eyes, which he usually followed by ripping out his own lips, and limbs. Needless to say the conversation didn't bother Bender at all.

"That... potato MAN... he... she... no, no, no, I'm sure it was a he. He... HE... scares... me... right in the TACO!"

"So you admit it!"

"Admit what? Oh, robot..." the Snugglesnit said as she looked down at her tiny nub of an arm which was shaking. Unable to hold onto it any longer her glass fell to the floor spilling vodka all over it. "I don't feel so good."

"Yeah, it's probably the liquor. For some reason you organic beings seem to get sick when you drink too much of it. Not us robots though. We can drink, and drink, and drink, with no side effects whatsoever!" Bender said quickly followed by a flaming belch.

"Is it... hot? I fa-eel, feel..."

"Yeah, that's really great, how about another drink?" Bender asked as he grabbed a bottle off the table and poured it down the Snugglesnit's throat. "There we go! If there's one thing that can be used to fight off the effects of alcohol it's more alcohol!"

"I think, I need... to LIE down!" the Snugglesnit said as she tried to keep her balance. She didn't manage for long though and soon fell to the floor. "I'm so... asleeping..."

"Well, if you're going to sleep, you might as well nurse this bottle of gin I found on your desk. That way you'll have beer-dreams as I like to call them! They're the best!" Bender said as he handed the bottle down to the Snugglesnit who began to suck on it every so slightly as she lay on the floor. Eventually the liquid stopped going down her throat all together, but instead began pouring out her mouth all over the floor.

"Hey! If you're not going to drink it you could at least say something! No need to waste it like that!" Bender said as he began to snap his fingers. "Hello? Are you even listening to me? Typical," he sighed, "all you meatbags are the same! You small ones are the worst! You can barely drink a thing before you go all limp on me!"

Bender cursed as he checked the time on his internal clock, "Man, it's getting late! I should be out drinking! If you're not going to tell me your name then I might as well leave!" Bender began to walk to the door when he heard an odd sound coming from the Snugglesnit's desk. He walked over to the desk and opened the bottom drawer only to find what looked like a tiny Snugglesnit inside. "What the hell?"

"Mama! Mama!" it cried out.

"Oh, I see. So that drunk lying over there on the floor is your mom, huh? Well! I certainly can't leave you with a total wreck like her. Locking your kids in a drawer is one thing, but when you spend all your time drinking and passing out on the carpet that's quite another! Come on, little guy! We'll let you come back and see your mom when she gets her life back together," he explained as he reached down and picked the tiny Snugglesnit up. "Hmm, where can I put you that's like a drawer? Think, Bender, think! That's it!" he said as he opened up his chest compartment and threw the young Snugglesnit in.

"Well, my work here is done!" he said brushing off his hands, and with that he left the building.


	7. And They Shall Scream, BENRA!

"What the hell happened to all the apples! I was planning to sell them to orphans at extremely inflated prices!"

"I ate them. Every last one," the shinigami laughed.

"You said you would guard them! What kind of lying, cheating God of Death are you anyway?"

"Ugh," the god moaned as he clang to a nearby dumpster. "A little help here?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"When I eat too many apples I puff up like a balloon, and begin to float uncontrollably! If I don't hang onto something I'll float into space!"

"I fail to see how that affects me."

"Oh, c'mon! Be a pal!"

"Why should I? You ate all the apples! I demand... _an apology! _"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Okay? Will you help me already?"

"Eh, I've heard better."

"Are you gonna help me or not?"

"Fine," Bender sighed," Wait, I think I have an idea!"

* * *

Bender made his way down the street, with a large string attached to his wrist. Tied to the end of the string was a bloated, balloon shaped shinigami. His yellow eyes bulged from his head, and his tongue was fat, and stuck out through his lips ever so slightly, as if he was unable to keep it inside his mouth.

"Bring me down! This string is too long! Do you know how many hover-cars hit me?"

"So? I thought things like that went right through you?"

"They do! But it still feels unpleasant! And tingly!"

"Ew! Keep your tingly feelings to yourself! We're back!" Bender said as the door opened to the Robot Mafia's HQ. He began to walk through, but as he tried to pull the shinigami through the door behind him he found that the death god was far too large to fit through. "What the-! I thought you could go through things!"

"I... thought I could too! This must be a side effect from eating all those apples! I'm starting to think those may not have even been apples! They tasted all different and everything!"

"When was the last time you had an apple?" Bender asked.

"About..." the shinigami paused as he thought to himself. "It's been a few hundred or so years."

"A few hundred years, huh? You do know that apples now days are genetically mutated, right?"

"I can just feel the years being shaven off my lifespan! Oh, well! I can always kill more people!"

"That's the spirit!" Bender said as he finally managed to yank the bloated shinigami through the door. "Hey, Donbot! And the rest."

"Hello, killbot Bender," Donbot replied as he saw Bender. "That's quite an interesting balloon you have. I hope you aren't spending all your hard earned murder money on balloons. Although I do appreciate a nice balloon once in a while - perhaps tied in the shape of a dog, or to a lesser extent, a bird - it would not be wise for you to get a swelled head. Explain to him what happened to the last person who spent too much of his earnings on balloons."

"Well," Joey Mousepad began, "there once was this guy, a lot like you. Twister was his name. He had a magical ring that allowed him to kill anyone as long as he knew their race and shoe size. Anyhow, he eventually got a real big ego. He thought he was a god!"

"Which was fine with us," Donbot added, "but then he started spending all his money on balloons!"

"The balloons themselves weren't the problem, but he refused to share any of his balloons with the rest of us! He would come in here showing off his fancy new balloons. Eventually we had to-"

"Let me tell it! Let me tell it!" Clamps demanded.

"Very well," Donbot agreed.

"Eventually, we had to **CLAPM 'EM! **And his balloons too! I remember clampin' each and everyone one of 'em!"

"Every day, bringing in new balloons of every color. Red. Blue. Sometimes yellow. There was no stopping him!" Donbot explained. "He was out of control, so we had to get rid of him."

"That's all well and good, but- Hey! You can see this thing?" Bender asked as he yanked the shinigami-on-a-string up and down.

"Must be an affect of the apples," the shinigami added, but no one seemed to be paying attention.

"Yes, of course can see it. Why wouldn't we be able to. Are you implying that my ability to spot balloons that are floating disturbingly close to my face is less than perfect?"

"Oh, never mind that!" Bender said as he batted the shinigami away from Donbot, causing the shinigami to let out a high pitched squeal.

"On a completely unrelated, but more relevant subject, I heard from my associates that you have taken care of the Snugglesnit."

"I did?" Bender asked suspiciously.

"Yes, you did. Died of alcohol poisoning, or so I'm told. Good work, killbot Bender. I have a new mission for you..."

"Another one? Every time I come in here, it's mission this, and kill that! Can't a guy get a break!"

"This is exactly what you signed up for when you agreed to become our assassin! Your next target is a robot by the name of-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, chief. I don't exactly do robots," Bender explained.

"Well you had better start! Here in the Robot Mafia we don't tolerate insubordination! Have you ever wondered why there are so few of us?" Donbot said as he glanced over at Clamps who was clamping his clamps in a loud manner. "You now know."

"I'll get right on that..."

* * *

"Crap! Crap! Crap! Wait a minute, can the Death Note kill robots?"

"Since robots aren't actually alive, I'd have to say _no_."

"Then let me start again," Bender said as he cleared his nonexistent throat, "Crap! Crap! Crap!"

"What's the matter?" the shinigami asked who had by now started to deflate a bit.

"You heard him! I have to kill a robot! I don't know how to kill a robot! Well... I'm boned... as usual," Bender said as he calmly lit up a cigar.

"And just like that you're done panicking?"

"Robots get over things faster than you death gods. Get over things faster? That's it! A montage! If I play music really loud and pretend to work out, then maybe I can scare the robot into thinking I'm really strong, and he'll kill himself out of fear!"

* * *

"Weights? Check! Stereo with 7.1 surround sound? Check? Stylish '80s afro so everyone knows what kind of montage I'm ripping off? Check! Dead animals for me to puch to make me feel stronger than I really am? Check!" Bender said as he held up a dead cat and gave it a hard punch.

The cat let out a loud scream.

"Oops! Guess it wasn't quite dead yet. Oh well. It is now," Bender said as he tossed the cat behind him. "Now where's this guy I'm supposed to face?"

"Excuse me, sir," a voice called out.

"Gah!" Bender screamed, "It's robot Hitler! Töte mich nicht, oh mächtige Tyrann!"

"Hello, good sir. Mind buying a copy of the New New York times?" said a tiny robot who stumbled forward on a single leg.

"Oh, it's just Tinny Tim," Bender sighed with relief. "Fehlalarm."

"It's a pleasure to see you too! What an exquisite afro you're sporting if I may say so!"

"What, this old thing?" Bender asked as he shook his afro back and forth through the air. "It's mostly made of rat hair dyed black." Bender suddenly let out a loud gasp, "Don't tell me that it's _you _I've been sent to kill?"

"Oh my, no. I've been sent by the Robot Mafia to inform you of the identity of your opponent."

"So I don't have to kill you after all?"

"No, sir."

"Tell you what. I may just kill you after I deal with this other guy, if I'm feeling up to it."

"That's most generous of you, kind sir."

"So, who is it anyway?"

"Why tell you, when I can show you?"

"What?"

"The identity of the robot you're supposed to kill... Is none other than..."

"**RAAAAAAWGH! I WILL DESTROY YOU!**"

"This robot standing right behind-" Tinny Tim's sentence was cut short, as he was crushed flat underneath Destructor's large metal fist.

"**WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE MIGHTY DESTRUCTOR?**"

"You're my enemy! Ah, damn it! Can we fight some other time? I'm a little worn out from all the montaging I did before you got he-" suddenly Destructor grabbed Bender and lifted him above his head. He grabbed a hold of him with both hands, and began pulling him apart.

"**DIE!**" Destructor yelled as he threw Bender to the ground.

"Ugh, screw this!" Bender said as he picked himself off the ground, and pulled the Death Note out of his chest compartment.

"What're you doing? I told you already, you can't kill robots!" the shinigami said.

"Not if I change a few of these rules!" Bender said as he began erasing some of the rules and writing his own in their place. "There!"

"What? You can't just do that!"

"Watch me!" Bender said as he wrote Destructor's name in his notebook. "There! Hahahaha!" Bender began to laugh, "Try and stop me n-"

"**RAAAAWGH!**" snarled Destructor as he once again lifted Bender off the ground, only this time to slam him into a nearby building, followed by throwing him back into the ground.

Bender groaned as he hit the hard concrete. Suddenly Destructor's fist came down on top of him, hitting him on the head, pushing him down into the concrete. Destructor lifted his fist into the air once more, before dropping down utop Bender. Just as it touched Bender's head it suddenly stopped.

Bender looked up to see Destructor's body shaking violently before completely falling apart. "Woohoo! I told you it would work! In your face undead, otherworldly, creature of despair!"

"But..." the shinigami's jaw dropped ever so slightly, "That's impossible!"

"Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll just write _your _name in here! Unbeliever!"

"I'll be good!"

"Mauhahaha!" Bender laughed, doing the best evil laugh he possibly could. "I feel I deserve a title to go along with this stunning development! From this moment forth, the world shall know my name, and they shall scream... _**BENRA! **_The scourge of justice! The ally of selfishness! The amoral master of being amoral! I will rise up from this rotten world and create a paradise! A paradise for me and my robot brethren! But mostly for myself! I will- Eh, that sounds like too much work. Instead I think I'll just use my new found powers to abandon the Robot Mafia, instead going into business for myself! Benra, killer for hire. Has a nice ring to it!"

"Oh, God!"

"Correction! Oh, _Bender!_"


	8. Sex Figurines, Eh?

"Let's see... A little bit of color over here, a different font for this section, and we're done! There, now anyone will be able to contact me, or should I say my alter-ego, Benra."

"Done doing what?" the shinigami asked.

"I'm done making a website advertising my 'special skills'," Bender explained.

"Is that so? I thought you were watching pornography."

"No! I was only _mostly_ watching pornography! What? A guy can't multitask?" Bender asked as he finished up his little website, and proudly displayed it for the shinigami to see. "Hey, Fry, come over here, I wanna show you something."

"Is this like that time you showed me that 'helpful elf' which actually turned out to be deranged midget, and you made me keep it our closet, and it ate all our food, and it bit me and I had to get a rabies shot?"

"No. Look here, meat-pal," Bender said as he grabbed Fry, and pulled him down towards the computer screen. He followed by lighting a cigarette, and putting on a cowboy hat, "See, there's this new fella 'round town. Goes by then name of 'Benra'. Some folks say he's a god who came down from the heavens to kill people, and take their money. Others still say he's actually a mechanical man of sorts. No one knows fer sure. All we can be certain of is that Benra is very, _very_ really, and definitely not in this room right now."

"Why're you talking in that weird accent? And why are you showing me this?"

"Oh, no reason," Bender laughed, "Just thought you should know about Benra. After all, he _is _only the most important person in the history of the universe."

"But, Bender, didn't _you_ make this website?"

"So what? My dedication to Benra is only one in the billions upon billions who worship him daily... I assume."

"Really? I've never heard of him."

"Well... that's just because... you're an idiot! But I bet you want someone as cool, suave, and not to mention devilishly handsome as Benra as your best friend!"

"Hmm, no," Fry replied, "I can't say that I do."

"Sure you do! Now, don't we have a delivery to make?"

"Probably, but since when do you care about working?"

"Oh, you know me," Bender said as he pulled a hand-weight out of his chest, and started lifting it up and down, "I'm always about work."

"That's working _out_," the shinigami commented in a wry tone, but by this time had fortunately turned invisible once again, and was no longer a balloon.

"Well, okay," Fry said somewhat unsure of Bender's sudden change in motives, "We have to deliver a bunch of unsold _Lil' Bush _DVDs to Kricfalusi 9 where they'll be melted down and turned into Rei Ayanami sex figurines."

"People still buy those?"

"_In the bulk._"

"Sex figurines, eh?" Bender said as he rubbed the area on his face where his chin would be, "Perhaps I should get into this figurine making business."

"I thought your plan was to kill people?" the shinigami asked, "Not make plastic dolls!"

"Fine, fine. One scheme at a time. Alright, let's get going then, I just have to send a message before we leave," Bender said as he quickly typed something out no the computer. "Let's go!"

* * *

"Alright, we're about to land on Kricfalusi 9, the planet where we have to make our delivery," Leela said as she piloted the ship down onto the planet before landing outside of a nearby town.

"We know, Leela! We could tell that just by looking out the window," complained Bender.

"Sorry, I guess I sometimes get caught up in stating the obvious," she apologized. "Now, which one of you is going to deliver these boxes of DVDs into town?"

"You're not coming?" Fry asked.

"No," Leela replied. "Someone has to stay with the ship. This planet is known for changing shape and structure at random moments, and the people who live here are, well, insane. We can't risk anything happening to the ship, but I can't just leave either of _you two_ alone with it. So one of you will have to make the delivery."

"Who?" Fry asked.

"Preferably both."

"Don't worry about it Leela. I'll make the delivery," Bender called out as he rode down the cargo bay. He began pushing the hover-dolly carrying the boxes into town calling out, "I'll be back soon, but if I'm not, wait longer."

* * *

"Hey, where can I dump these?" Bender asked once he entered town.

"Dump them ah-ne-where!" an alien resembling a mutant chihuahua explained. "In fact, I'll help you!" he said as his arms stretched out and grabbed one of the boxes off the dolly, ripping it apart, causing DVDs to go flying everywhere.

"Okay, you do that then," Bender said as he walked away completely ignoring the situation. "Let's see. I'm suppose to meet him right over... There!" Bender pointed to a meadow filled with flowers.

"That doesn't look so bad," the shinigami said.

"Oh wait, I pointed in the wrong place. I meant that shadowy boneyard of death over there!" he said pointing over to a hidious graveyard full of torn limbs jutting out of the ground.

"Fun."

Bender ventured into the graveyard, towards a group of cloaked men. "I'd better put on my disguise," Bender said as he tied a purple mask around his eyes. "There! Unrecognizable!" he said before making his way further towards them.

There were three of them each wearing three black hoods, "Benra? We have a folder filled with people we need... _taken care of," _the first one said.

"But, we're _definitely _not working for anyone!" the second one added.

"Mommy sent us!" the third one blurted out.

"Quiet! Both of you!" the first one said slapping both of them in a single slap. He then turned back to face Bender, before handing him the folder filled with pictures of people with their names written on each one, "Take this. Once every name in the folder has been eliminated, you will receive payment in full to the bank account of your choosing."

"Interesting, interesting," Bender said as he quickly glanced over the list. "This is all well and good. I'll be seeing you gentlemen later then. Or I'll just text you. Whatever works for you."

"Hey, Bender. How'd the delivery go?" Fry asked as Bender returned to the ship with the empty dolly.

"Oh, great. Great. Couldn't have possibly gone better. What happened while I was gone?"

"We met Fry in a cat body," Leela said.

"It wasn't me in a cat body," Fry said crossed his arms. "It was just a cat whose fur just happened to be the same color as my jacket, and by coincidence happened to speak with the exact same voice as me. Nothing unusual."

"That's great," Bender said with a roll of his eyes, "Can we go now?"

"Sure, we'll just- Hey, wait a minute," Leela said with a suspicious tone. "If you made that delivery, where's the payment?"

"Uh, well, you see..."

The shinigami began to laugh, "Bender, It looks like you're in deep sh-"

"Shhhhhuuuut it!" Bender yelled.

"Are you talking to me?" Leela asked.

"No, no! I, uh... Well, I made the delivery, but they didn't give me any money. Instead they gave me advice for making cartoons! Tip number one: Everything now days without question, is complete and irredeemable garbage! Tip number two: Just make everything up as you go along! Tip number three: Never bother to have anything done on time... The list goes on, and on... "

"Ugh," Fry sighed. "Typical Kricfalusians."

"Fine. Though your story sounds completely false, and I know for a fact that you're a compulsive liar, given that I have no other alternative, I suppose I no choice but to believe you, though while still being highly suspicious," Leela said, as she flew the ship off the planet, and headed back towards Earth.

"That's all I ask."

* * *

By the time they had reached Earth Bender had already written all of the names on the list down in the Death Note, and had already sent a message specifying which bank account he wanted the money sent to. He logged in, and checked his account - not bothering to use the computer this time, seeing as he didn't have any reason to show Fry Benra's website a second time - and made sure the funds were intact.

Upon seeing his account filled with money, Bender stood up and pressed a button on his body, which caused loud music to start playing out of him. "Alright, everyone do the Bender!" he said as he began to dance around the room.

"Hey, Bender," Fry said entering the hanger where Bender was currently dancing. "Are you doing your money-dance?"

"What? No! Of course not!" Bender said stopping immediately. "I just felt like dancing! Is that a crime?"

"Well, no-"

"Is it so wrong to get a bite from the rhythm bug, and just feel the need to shake it?" Bender asked interrupting Fry.

"You know, you've been acting really weird lately. Like you're up to something. Well, up to something worse than usual."

"You're just being paranoid!"

"If you say so. Anyway, there's a tiny robot here to see you."

"A tiny robot?" Bender thought aloud. He made his way to the front door and was greeted by Tinny Tim.

"Hello, sir."

"What do you want, squirt-gun?" Bender asked.

"I've been sent by the Robot Mafia to inform you that your services are no longer required."

"The Robot Mafia? I forgot all about those guys! Hey, wait... Why don't they need me anymore?"

"Oh, well, because you no longer work for them."

"Because...?"

"Because they're going to dismantle you for abandoning them."

"Dismantle me?"

"Yes, they plan to destroy, annihilate, slaughter, smash, and crush you. And something about 'the Clamps' which I don't quite recall. Oh well, good day to you, sir," Tinny Tim said before stumbling away.

"Oh, great! Now the Robot Mafia wants to kill me! Again!"

"What a delightful plot twist!" the shinigami chuckled.

"You know, you're really starting to bother me."

"Yeah, I have that affect on most people!" he laughed.


	9. I Was Here First, Damn It!

"So let me get this straight," the shinigami said, "You're planning on marching right into the Robot Mafia's HQ, the very people who want to kill you, and you're going to use your new found powers to kill them before they have a chance to kill you? Well, this doesn't seem at all stupid, or dangerous. I mean, you could just kill them now..." the shinigami began to trail off.

"I choose to take that compliment at face value, ignoring it's obvious sarcastic undertones!" Bender said rather cheerfully.

"Undertones? Are you kidding me? I practically spelled out the fact that this is the dumbest thing I ever heard!"

"Yeah, but I like to feel good about myself. If that involves twisting other people's words to suit me, then so be it! Now, shhh! We're almost there!" Bender said as tried to climb up a lamp-post right outside the Robot Mafia's headquarters. "Damn!" he cursed as he slid down the cold metallic pole.

"You going up?" the shinigami asked.

"Maybe, but I don't think it's any of your business!"

"In that case I'll meet you there," the shinigami said as it flew upward before landing on the pole. It sat there looking down at Bender, staring at him with a twisted grin plastered on it's face. Sitting up there it looked like some sort of sick, deformed offspring of a mentally disturbed clown who impregnated herself with the genetic material of a fish, and crow to create the unholy creature that sat before him.

Of course Bender had no time to contemplate the origins of the shinigami, after all, _every _biological organism was equally disgusting to him, and so this death god was no different. Now it was merely a matter of somehow reaching the top... "Oh, if only there was some way for me to artificially extent my limbs! Then I could just _pull _myself up there! But alas, only some sort of mechanical abomination would have abilities like that. Wait a minute... _I'm an abomination! _A mechanical one at that!"

Upon realizing this, Bender's arms extended, reaching the lamp-post before pulling himself up. "Well, here I am," he said upon sitting down next to the shinigami. "How 'bout a smoke?"

"Well, I'm more of an apple person myself, but what the hell!" he replied as Bender handed him a cigar. A couple of lights later and the duo were smoking together atop the lamp-post, overlooking the oblivious passers-by below. "You know, this isn't so bad! Still, it isn't an apple, though this does make me wonder..."

"Yeah?"

"No, no. It's stupid."

"Everything about life is stupid! Spit it out already!"

"Well, I was just wondering," the shinigami paused before continuing, somewhat embarrassed by it's own question, "Do you think it's possible to smoke... _apples?_"

"If there's one thing I've learned in life, - and I haven't learned anything - it's that _everything_ is smokeable!"

"Everything?"

"Anything, _and _everything!"

"Explain!"

"Well," Bender said twirling his wrist in a circular motion, "See these people?" he said looking down, "One hundred percent smokeable. Those clouds up in the sky," he said looking up, "Smokeable too!"

"What about this bird?" the shinigami asked grabbing a bird that had perched nearby on the same lamp-post.

"Let's find out!" Bender said snatching the bird away, before lighting it up and bringing it to his mouth. He quickly inhaled the hot bird fumes, before blowing out a cloud of smoke and singed feathers.

"Impressive!"

"Yeah, but it's kinda fowl," Bender said before glancing below him. "Hey look! It's Tinny Tim again! Is it just me, or does he seem to be everywhere lately?" he asked to no-one in particular. "Hey, Tinny Tim!"

Tinny Tim glanced up before replying, "Oh, hello. Fine day to be sitting on a lamp-post."

"Indeed it is," Bender replied. "Hey, wait a minute. Didn't you die early? I could've sworn you were killed by Destructor?"

"Quite possible, sir. You see, there are more than one of me."

"Say what?"

"Yes, the Robot Mafia employs numerous Tinny Tims all across the city! We beg, we spy, we steal! Whatever the mafia needs!"

"And you tell this to just anyone? No offense, but that seems like a pretty bad policy."

"Well, to be quite fair, I work for a pretty bad mafia."

"I've noticed."

For a short while Tinny Tim continued to stare at Bender, saying nothing at all, before Bender finally had enough, saying, "Um, you can go now."

"Good day, sir!" Tinny Tim said before stumbling away.

After sitting quietly for some time, the shinigami finally broke the silence, "Hey, Bender, just what're we doing up here anyway?"

"We're waiting for the mafia! Duh!"

"I don't follow."

"You see," Bender explained in a mischievous tone, "When the Robot Mafia come by here, I'm gonna jump down on them. Then I'm gonna look at their faces, and then I'm gonna write their names in my notebook! Then maybe throw in a taunt or two before they die. Depends if I'm feeling classy or not."

"And you're doing this why? No offense, but like I said earlier, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You do realize, you could kill them without actually being _near _them, right?"

Bender gasped, "I'm shocked that you would even suggest that I would have forgotten such an important detail."

"Did you?"

"None of your business! Now come on! We're going to pay a little visit to the Robot Mafia, so I can watch them die while I write their names in my notebook."

"Uh huh. So you did, didn't you?"

* * *

"Well, hello, Donbot! Hello to you, Joey Mousepad! And a special hello to, Clamps," Bender laughed as he entered the Robot Mafia's HQ.

"Well, if it isn't the killbot formerly known as Bender! Have you come to accept your fate, which is to be melted down and turned into a footstool for myself, and perhaps occasionally one of my compadres, but preferably not Clamps, who has the undesirable habit of clamping things that should not be clamped. In this case, I refer to my footstool, which is going to be made of you, Bender, which I would be most grateful for if it were not clamped. Understand, _Clamps?_" Donbot said turning his attention towards Clamps.

"I got it! I got it! No clamps..."

"Yeah, something like that," Bender replied, "Only, with less of me dying, and more of you guys!"

"More of us guys what? Did you catch that, Joey Mousepad?" Donbot asked.

"No, boss. His sentence was poorly phrased. Really, the meaning is a toss up."

"Do you hear that, Bender? Your ability to phrase sentences is _poor_. Hopefully a stark contrast to the type of footstool you'll make. Which is to say I hope you'll be of a high quality."

"We get, we get it," Bender said with a sigh. "Can we just get this over with?"

Donbot glanced over at Joey Mousepad, and then over towards Clamps, "Boys, are you ready to enter the world of artisanship?"

"As ready as we'll ever be, boss!" Joey Mousepad explained.

"Then you may begin greasing... _**THE CLAMPS!**_"

"Yes, boss!" he replied as he opened a can of Clamp-Grease and began greasing Clamps' clamps.

"Hey! Hey! Easy on the clamps!" Clamps complained, "I got lots of clampin' to do soon!"

"While you do that, mind if I go ahead and write your names down in my handy dandy notebook?" Bender asked.

"By all means, go right ahead," Donbot replied.

Bender quickly pulled out his Death Note, and scrawled down the names of each member of the Robot Mafia, "Alright, I'm done writing your names!"

"Great timing!" Joey Mousepad added, "I just finished greasing the clamps!"

"I'm gonna clamp you so hard you'll be denser than a neutron star!" Clamps yelled as he clamped his clamps in the air.

"Clamps, perhaps you could clamp him a little less densely. Footstool, remember?" Donbot reminded him.

"_Fiiiiine!_ I'll only clamp him into a _somewhat _dense cube."

"That seems reasonable."

As Clamps made his way towards Bender, he suddenly felt his camps moving on their own. They pulled him back towards the Donbot, and began clamping _him _instead.

"Clamps, why are you clamping me with your clamps? I did not ask for you to do this. In fact, the clamping which I am receiving from you, Clamps, is very painful, and dare I say, eventually deadly."

"I can't stop! The clamps are clampin' on their own!"

"What should I do, boss?" Joey asked.

"I would suggest that you get Clamps off of me. However, by this point it be entirely useless, seeing as not only is he clamping the life out of me, but this sudden betrayal by one of my most loyal companions, has clamped my will to live."

"Don't worry, boss! I'll save you!" Joey said as he dashed towards Clamps. However, before he could react, Clamps' left clamp found itself around Joey's neck. Within seconds a loud clamping noise filled the air, followed by the sound of Joey's robotic head hitting the floor. "Sorry, boss..."

"My god! What have I done?" Clamps yelled. "Donbot, Joey! There's only one way out now..." he said as he raised his clamp and held it to the side of his head. His clamp shook rapidly as he slowly opened it around his head, "Forgive me!" he yelled out as he clamped himself lifeless.

The room soon filled with silence. Bender glanced down at what he had written in his notebook; a hastily written yet detailed description of Clamps clamping his friends before turning the clamps on himself. Below it was a crude drawing of Clamps clamping Joey Mousepad's neck as his head flew off. "Damn, I'm one fine artist!"

* * *

"As far as we can tell, all three victims died of clamp wounds," Smitty the peace officer explained on the television Bender was watching. "We believe these deaths to be accident, and we suspect no one, - especially not the mysterious Benra, who we doubt even exists at all - was involved."

"Doo doo, doodaly doo," Bender hummed to himself as he counted all the money he had recently made from assassinations.

"Hey, Bender," Fry said as he entered the room, "Where'd all the money come from?"

"What this?" Bender said as he waved a wad of cash back and forth in front of Fry, "No where!"

"Oh, I thought it might've had something to do with all those deliveries you've been going on where you mysteriously disappear for hours on end."

"You're too paranoid! Hey, you know what'd help you out? Smelling some of my money!" Bender said as he held the cash in front of Fry's nose, "Oh, but wait!" he said as he yanked it back, "You haven't been a very good friend to me lately, so I guess not! Which is too bad for you! Because I was planning on letting you go shopping with me, and allowing you to watch me buy things! I guess you won't get to though!"

"That's okay, I have a date with Leela any how."

"_Again?_"

"Well, yeah, that's usually what happens in a life. Well, between the being born and dying. I think it goes: birth, relationship, death, rebirth, redeath, and maybe something about a zombie," Fry explained, "Anyway, I'll see you later, buddy."

Bender watched as Fry left the room. "Grrr. Stupid Leela! She's always stealing Fry away from me! And I was here first, damn it!" he cried as he pounded his fist against the table.

"Well, why don't you do something about it?" the shinigami asked.

"What can I do? It's not like I can kill her or anything!"

"Oh, no?"

"No! Of course not! How could I possibly kill her? She'd pull off my head the moment I even tried anything!"

"Do I have to remind you once again of the fact that you have a notebook that can literally kill _anyone?_"

"Wait, that's it! I'll use my notebook!" Bender said as he pulled out the Death Note once again, "But... is it right?"

"No, Bender! Don't do it!" a tiny voice called out.

"Amy? Hermes? ... Leela?"

"No, you moron! It's me! You're conscience!"

Bender glanced over at his shoulder to see a tiny, white version of himself, with a halo and a pair of wings standing there. "What the hell is this crap? Since when do I have a conscience?"

"Bender, it's wrong to kill Leela, and you know it!"

"Hey, isn't there supposed to be a little devil guy too?"

"Not for you! You're evil enough _without_ the devil to tempt you!"

"Mhm. Mhm. Interesting. Interesting. By the way, what's your name?"

"Me? Oh, I'm Seraph Curvature! Why do you ask?"

"Hmm? What was that?" Bender asked as he finished scribbling the name down in the Death Note. Within moments the angel on his shoulder fell dead, and disappeared into sparks of electricity. "Well, that was somewhat out of the ordinary, but only slightly."

"What was?" the shinigami asked. "You've been talking to yourself for the past three minutes!"

"Regardless, I've come to a conclusion!"

"A conclusion? I don't know if I like where this is going..."

"I'm going through with my plan! What plan you ask?" Bender paused, "What plan you ask?"

"Eh?"

"_**WHAT PLAN YOU ASK?**_"

"Oh, sorry. What plan?"

"I'm going through with my plan... _To get rid of Leela, once and for all!_ Muahahahaha!"

"You know? You laugh a lot, I used to know a guy kind of like that..."


	10. To Catch a Benra!

"Do you know why you're here, in this, the whitest of all houses, Brannigan?" asked President Nixon.

"I can only imagine," replied Zapp Brannigan as he staring down at his gloved fingers, "I'm here to receive some kind of award. Perhaps for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?"

"I'd sooner give an award to William Mark Felt than the likes of _you_!"

"Then, perhaps a punishment for Kif, will suffice?"

"What?" Kif asked in a shocked-although-not-entirely-unexpected tone.

"I invited you here for one reason, and one reason only. To catch Benra!"

"Because of my incredible, unequaled intelligence?"

"No! Because you're the only person I could find who's _stupid enough _to even consider going after Benra! Believe me, if there was anyone else, you wouldn't be standing here right now! Hell, Watergate had nothing on this. Brannigan, I'm sorry to say you're the last hope this nation has left."

"Beeaa-utiful. I expect some sort of reward, of course."

"Provided you catch Benra, you can have the entire god-damned white house for all I care! America survived the Nazis, the Russians, and I sure as hell am _not _going to let some dirty, two-bit killer, take this country, no, this _planet _down! That glory belongs to me!"

* * *

"Kif, do you know what I like best about hovering above the Earth in a multi-million dollar space ship?" Zapp asked as he sat in his command chair, looking at a large screen with a projection of the planet Earth on it.

"Wasting tax-payer dollars?" Kif asked in response.

"Yes, but more than that, it's knowing that the entire fate of a planet lies in my hands... And what _magnificent_ hands they are!" Zapp said as he admired his own hands for the second time that day.

"Uh... Aren't we supposed to be searching for Benra?" Kiff asked, forcing Zapp to pay attention to something other than himself for a brief moment.

"For a lesser man, we would. However, being that velour clad master of sexology who women love, and men love the women I've already loved, I have already located the hide out of the devious Benra! And that location is... _Planet Express!_"

"What makes you so certain?"

"Elementary, lieutenant. All of the recent Benra murders have been in some way connected to Planet Express. Benra has been spotted on the planet of every delivery Planet Express has made, at the very same time a delivery is taking place. Further inspection of the Planet Express crew has revealed that bank account of one Bender Bending Rodríguez has increased exponentially after every delivery. Somehow I doubt he's only making mere delivery-bot money. I smell the foul stench of murder rubies, or some sort jewel encrusted death dollars. Furthur cementing the connection between the two is an anonymous tip I received from someone within Planet Express, revealing a suspicion of one of their co-workers being none other than Benra."

"This isn't possible..."

"That Leela is possibly the most wanted killer in the universe? I agree. It is most disturbing, but something we must consider none the less."

"No, I meant that you actually did _any _actual work."

"You underestimate me, Kiff. Much like the coyote underestimates the mink. The sexy, sexy mink... _Set a course for Planet Express!_" Zapp said pointing at a monitor with an image of Earth on it. "Imagine it, Kif. When this is all done they might even make a movie or a TV show about us. I can picture it now: _To Catch a Benra_!"

* * *

"Good morning, Fry!" Bender said in a cheerful mood as he entered Planet Express.

"Oh, hey, Bender. You seem to be in an awfully good mood today," Fry said as wrapped him in a hug. "You're not usually so... hug... A thing that hugs. What gives?"

"What? A guy can't act completely different from normal without everyone making a big deal out of it?" Bender said as Leela walked into the room, "Leela!" he shouted before running over and giving her a hug too.

"Oh, God. Don't tell me you joined another religion?" Leela asked.

"Pssh, no! Of course not! It's just..." Bender paused, "With all the recent Benra killings, I've realized just how important friends are. Nothing in this world lasts forever. We should treasure what we have while we can."

"I'm not sure whether to be frightened, or pleased by the new you. I think I'll go with pleasant surprise, but with a stark sense of dread boiling below the surface."

"Sounds like a plan!" Bender said throwing his arms in the air, letting go of Leela. "Now, let's go make another delivery!"

"You sure do like making delieveries lately, Bender," Fry said.

"Well, that's only because-"

"Benra, we have the area surrounded! Come out with your hands up so we can shoot you!"

"Did anyone else hear a invisible voice just now?" asked Fry, who walked over towards the window. He peered out only to see New New York's only two peace officers URL and Smitty standing amongst a crowd of DOOP soldiers.

* * *

"I repeat, Benra, we know you're in there! So come on out! We don't have all day and we're getting very tired of waiting!" Smitty yelled through a megaphone.

"Damn tired," added URL.

"If you fail to comply we will be forced to shoot beanbags into the building."

* * *

"That doesn't sound so bad," said Fry from the inside Planet Express.

* * *

"We will then follow this by sending in our most vicious general, a cyborg who will single handedly rip apart Planet Express until we uncover evidence of Benra," Smitty said through his megaphone once more before putting it down to ask URL, "What's that guy's name again?"

"Grevious, baby."

"Is this even legal?"

"Everything's legal since we joined the Empire."

* * *

"Oh, Lord," Leela sighed. "Why is it that whenever there's some sort of serial killer on the loose, the first place they always check is here? I'll go inform the Professor," she said as she quickly left the room in search of Farnsworth.

"Pssst, hey, Fry," Bender whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Probably not, but go ahead anyway."

Bender turned his head to face Fry, and quickly muttered, "I want to tell you, _I'm Benra._"

At that moment everything in the room seemed to fade away. Left standing in the pitch black darkness was Bender, standing beneath a bright red light. The color of the light reflected off his shiny metal exterior, giving him a sinister glow. Above Fry was a dark blue light, which when mixed with the natural orange color of is hair, caused it to turn brown. The red light shining off of Bender forced him to squint his eyes, giving them a more slanted appearance, as well as adding to them a reddish glow. He moved his hand throw his hair, forcing it down into his face in a feeble attempt to block out the light.

"If you are who you say you are," began Fry, "Then you have nothing but my contempt and disapproval."

"Why thank you!" Bender beamed quite proudly. "The reason I chose to reveal my identity to you is because I think you may be of some help to me!"

Bender glanced behind him as he heard the shinigami laughing in the background. "How interesting, Bender. Revealing your secret identity. Consider me impressed!"

Fry and Bender continued to stare at each other, as each stood under their respective lights. "_If what he says is true..." _Fry thought to himself, "_It probably means no one besides me knows his identity. What now? Although it's obvious 'Benra' is nothing more than an stupid name it still complicates things. It's so clever no one would possibly suspect Bender of being Benra. What possible reason could he have for telling his best friend, Philip J. Fry, that he's Benra? Could this mean he's planning on framing me of being Benra? Even so, I still don't see why he'd reveal himself to me directly. I can't let him see any signs of distress. It's better if I just... clear my mind..."_

Fry stood there for a moment, his head tilted to one side, drool forming at the side of his mouth.

"Hey, Fry?" Bender said as he snapped his fingers a few times, finally getting his attention.

"Oh, sorry..." Fry said as he broke from his daze. "What were we talking about again? Hey, why are the lights all weird?" he asked as he pushed the hair out of his eyes, and back into it's normal position.

"Oh, right," Bender said as he flipped a switch turning the normal lights in the room back on just as the colored ones turned off. "I turned those on 'cause they had a more dramatic feel to it. Mood lighting, you know?"

"Um... right."

"Anyway, Fry, I have something very important that I need you to do for me! Don't screw it up either! The fate of the entire planet, wait, no, the entire _universe _depends on it... No pressure though."

"What is it?"

* * *

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" Bender said as he rushed out of the Planet Express building.

"He's coming right at us! What do we do? Should we shoot?" Smitty asked.

"No! _Don't _shoot!" replied Bender.

"The fact that he doesn't want us to shoot him only makes him more suspicious! Prepare to open fire!"

"No, wait! I'm one of the good guys!" yelled Bender as he finally made his way over to Smitty. "Really! I want to catch Benra as much as you do. Well, maybe not as much, but it certainly doesn't affect me either way."

"Stand back, men," Zapp said making his way through the crowd. "Let me scan him with my trusty Truth-o-scope. If what the robot says is true, we'll be able to scan his mind to make sure," he said as the Truth-o-scope floated directly above Bender's head. "Tell me, Bender. Are you, or are you not in fact the devious and sexy criminal known simply as, Benra?"

"No! I swear I'm not! I'm telling the truth!"

The needle on the Truth-o-scope moved back and forth very slowly, printing out a piece of paper with a zig-zag line printed on it.

"Well, what does it say?" Smitty asked.

"I don't know!" replied Zapp. "Kif, come over here! I've finally found a use for you!"

Kif sighed as he made his walked off the Nimbus, through the crowd, and finally to Zapp who handed him the piece of paper.

"Well, what does it say?"

"It says that he's... _innocent_."

"Innocent, aye? So what're the chances of him being guilty?"

"Zero."

"Interesting, interesting. That must mean that someone else from Planet Express is Benra!"

"I think we might have something you just might find interesting," URL said directing Zapp towards a laptop he had sitting the side of a hover-car.

"We were monitering the robot's bank account, to see if there were any more transactions," Smitty added.

"And?" asked Zapp.

"There was just another one! A huge order was just put in to Boots-By-The-Boatload."

"What kind of monster is Benra? Buying boots by the boatload! It makes me sick!"

"We're tracing it now!" Smitty said. On the laptop a satellite view of the Earth zoomed in towards New New York, and finally on the Planet Express itself. "We've got it. The signal is coming from the WristLoJackimator registered to one Turanga Leela!"

"_Noooo_! This... Isn't... Possible!" shouted Zapp who pounded his fists on the hover-car directly in front of him.

"Hey, lay off the car, man!" exclaimed URL.

"Bender!" Fry said as he rushed outside, "What's going on?"

With a new mind to read, Truth-o-scope suddenly flew into position above Fry's head. It scanned his brain and scribbled something down before printing it. Kif was the first to walk over and pick it up, "Negative zero."

"What the hell? The damn thing must be broken!" Brannigan said upon hearing Kif's report. "That isn't even a possible answer!" He quickly pulled out his gun and shot the Truth-o-scope in retaliation. "That's for telling me something I don't like!"

"Hey, weren't you incredibly upset just a second ago?" Bender asked.

"Indeed I was," Zapp said, "But I've overcome my initial disappointment, and am now filled with something that resembles heroic-rage!"

At that moment two DOOP officers wearing black-tinted helmets walked out of Planet Express. Standing between the two was a now handcuffed Leela.

"Zapp! What the hell is going on?" Leela asked as she came face to face with Zapp Brannigan.

"Oh, Leela. I should've known that you, and only you - with your heart filled to the brims with neutrality - could be the mysterious psychopath, Benra!" Zapp signaled to his men, pointing them in the direction of the Nimbus, "Throw her in the brig. We'll figure out how to deal with her later."

"Fry! Bender! Do something!" Leela called out as she was dragged away by the DOOP soldiers.

"Leela!" Fry shouted, "Bender, we've got to help her!" Fry said to Bender who was too distracted talking to Zapp to hear him.

"Say, Zapp," Bender said, "Aren't you going to take Amy with you?"

"Why would I do that?" he asked.

"You know," Bender said twirling his wrist, "For, um... Being the second Benra of course!"

"The second Benra, you say?" Zapp asked as he scratched his chin. "Yes. That does make sense. Hmm, Kif, do you remember that goldfish I had that died a few weeks ago?"

Kif sighed, "You mean the one that starved to death? The one you failed to feed?"

"On the surface it may appear that way, but the fish I'm referring to is the one that was viciously murdered by the second Benra! Men! Place Amy Wong under arrest!"

"Sir, if I may suggest something-" Kif began.

"No, you may not!" Zapp interrupted. "I am well aware of your relationship with Ms. Wong. Why she would date someone as squishy, and bladder-filled as you is beyond me. Regardless, I understand your pain. I too had to arrest my one true love! But this isn't about us, Kif! It's about protecting this beautiful nation! And to a greater extent getting a big, juicy reward!"

"Hey, handsome," Amy said as she was being escorted out of Planet Express by more DOOP soldiers in black-tinted helments, "If you let me go I bet we can do a lot of fun things together..." She glanced over to see Kif gasp in shock, "No, Kif! I don't really mean it! I'm just lying so I won't be arrested!" she whispered in an overtly loud manner. "You can understand that? _Right?_"

"To the brig!" Zapp yelled out, pointing to the Nimbus. "Come along, Kif. Our work here is finished," he said as he followed the DOOP soldiers back to his ship.

"Looks like our work here is done too! Let's go back to the station and raid the evidence locker!" Smitty suggested.

"Ah, yeah. Looks like URL's getting a shiny, new wrist-watch."

Fry watched as the Nimbus took off, flying over Planet Express, and New New York before leaving the planet entirely. "Leela..." Fry whispered.

"You know, it really surprised me that Leela turned out to be Benra. Mostly because I always suspected it would be me. Oh well, more time for us to spend together! Who's up for a little game of pin the tail on the moon maggot? Maybe after that we can play a little basketball? Now that the Globetrotters' leader is dead they'll surely be looking for replacements! If we get real good then maybe they'll let us join!"

"Bender... We have to save Leela..."

"_What_? Are you suggesting we steal the ship, try and break into a heavily armed, highly guarded, military spacecraft, and attempt to rescue Leela who has been arrested under suspicion of being the dangerous murderer, Benra? Do I have that straight?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Awww_, crap_!"

* * *

**_Author's Note: _**I would just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. And to thank everyone for reading the story, too. 'Cause, you know, that's pretty good, and all.


	11. One Mission: Rescue!

"Bender... We have to save Leela..."

"I know! You said that already!" exclaimed Bender.

"I know," replied Fry. "I just felt like repeating myself."

"Well," Bender said as he turned away from Fry, "I don't think we should. Why should _I _help _you_? It isn't my problem, and you haven't been a very good friend lately."

"But, Bender, it's your fault Leela was arrested in the first place!"

"I fail to see how," he said as he crossed his arms.

"Bender... You're, Benra!"

Bender gasped, "Me? Benra? It's so unexpected, and yet..." he paused as he pulled an Official Benra Fanclub T-Shirt from his chest, "It explains so much."

"So, you'll help?"

"Hmm, let me think about that for a moment. How about, _no._ Besides, even if I did help you, you'd just abandon me once you got Leela back."

Fry sighed, "Bender, I _promise _that I won't ever ignore you again, under any circumstances. I was selfish, and wrong, but I really need your help to save Leela. And Amy, I suppose. I ask you this as a friend. Will you help me?"

"Awww, jeez. I can't stay mad at you, you big dumb mostly useless mass of idiocy! C'mere you!" Beder turned his head, arms, and legs around, before grabbing Fry and squeezing him tightly.

* * *

"Hey, Professor," Fry waved as he and Bender passed by.

"And just where do you think you're going?" asked the Professor.

"We're going to steal the ship, to break Leela and Amy out of military confinement. Any problems with that?" Bender asked.

"No, I suppose not," replied the Professor. "Just make sure to fill up the damn thing after you're done."

"Yes, sir. Whatever you say, Professor!" promised Bender, before rushing into the ship. "We won't be doing that."

"Doing what?" Fry asked who was already inside.

* * *

A green spaceship. A large military battleship. One mission: Rescue!

The ship flew through the dark vacuum of space, narrowly avoiding the rapid lasers being fired at it. It swerved left, then right, before returning fire at the giant, gray battleship below. The lasers forced their way out of the turret on the top of the ship, only to miss the battleship it was targeting. A force-field revealed itself around the enemy. Damaging it would be impossible.

Suddenly, a group of fighters flew out of the battleship, and began to swarm the single, green spaceship. The turret on the ship fired as fast as it could. It took down one, then two, then three of the fighters. It kept on firing, but it was no use. The ship was taking heavy damage. If something wasn't done soon, it was almost certain the ship would explode.

Then, without warning, a large blue laser shot out of the main battleship. The tiny, green spaceship swerved out of the way, but it wasn't fast enough. The laser cut the ship in half. Before anything could be done, the little ship was pulled down into the Earth's atmosphere, where it was completely incinerated within moments.

**GAME OVER!**

**

* * *

**

"Damn. I'm out of quarters!" yelled Fry as he kicked the machine he was standing in front of.

"Are you still playing that stupid game?" Bender asked as he glanced back from the pilot's seat, and spotted Fry digging through his pockets, looking for quarters, while still standing in front of an arcade game that had recently been installed on the ship.

"You should try it, Bender. It's really fun."

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"So, um, how are we going to get into the Nimbus?"

"I was thinking something along the lines of... _this_!" Bender exclaimed as the ship suddenly took off. In a matter of seconds it was within view of the Nimbus, which was hovering above the Earth. Bender steered the ship closer, and closer, until he was almost face to face with the docking bay - which was unfortunately closed.

"We're gonna crash!"

"No duh, genius!" Bender said as he turned the ship on its side. It crashed through metal door closing the docking bay, creating a large hole in the process. The ship then crashed into the floor, knocking over much smaller spacecraft, and throwing a few into the air. Soon the emergency doors closed over the now hole-filled one, sealing the room, before oxygen returned.

"Yep. This looks like a good parking space," Bender said as he popped open the ship's door, which was now on it's side. He climbed up, before sliding down the ship, quickly followed by Fry.

"You go rescue Amy and Leela," said Fry. "I'll take care of everything else."

"Try not to die."

"Not dying is my one talent!" Fry yelled out as Bender scurred off. He sighed, "Well, I guess it's time to go ahead with the plan."

* * *

Fry made his way down long, dimly lit corridors that seemed to go on forever. He eventually came to a helpful sign, which read '**YOU ARE HERE **'.

"But, where is here?" he asked himself.

After notice it was covered in dust, Fry blew on the sign, revealing that it actually read '**YOU AREN'T IN HEREDIA**'.

"Helpful," he thought. After some careful study of the sign, it wasn't long before determined the probable location of Zapp. "It's now or never," he said to no-one in particular, before putting on a pair of gloves which he had kept in his jacket pocket until that moment.

* * *

"Kif, when I'm sworn in as President of Earth, - and I no doubt will be - I want you to be my vice president," explained Zapp who was sitting in his captain's chair.

"Really, sir?"

"Yes. Vice President of MAAD. Mothers Against Arrested Development. We must make sure that show is never revived. The last thing the world needs is _more _David Cross. I also would like your help opening a nice little side-project of mine. I call it Alice in Wonderland. Alice would of course be any woman named Alice, - or any woman at all - and Wonderland would be a sexual journey through the love of Zapp Brannigan."

"Let Leela go!"

"What the hell was that?" Zapp said as he turned his head to see Fry enter through a door behind him. "You! You're the dopey looking delivery boy from Planet Express. What're you doing here?"

"I've come to tell you that you've captured the wrong people. Leela isn't Benra and I can prove it!"

"Really? What makes you say that?"

"Because... _I'm Benra!_"

"Please, you expect me to believe that you're the most wanted criminal in the universe? _You_?"

"I am Benra, and I can prove it!" Fry said as he pulled out Bender's Death Note which he had hidden beneath his jacket. "Turn on Iron Cook for a minute."

Zapp switched the monitor he normally used to view the Earth onto it's television setting, and quickly turned the station to the one airing Iron Cook, which was having it's life season finale at that very moment. "Alright, now what?"

"Now you just wait! I'm going to make chef Koji die of a heart attack! But first... Can I borrow a pencil?"

"Kif?"

Kif sighed as he walked over to Fry and handed him a pen.

"Thanks," Fry said before writing down Koji's name in the notebook. "Now all we have to do is wait!"

The room was quite, and tension filled as the group waited anxiously for Koji's death.

"So," Fry said, finally breaking the silence, "I heard they're making a movie about you?"

"Yes!" Zapp answered, "I was hoping I'd be played by the legendary Sir Sean Connery, but... I'm sure Nicolas Cage will do... fine..."

"Well, he was pretty good in The Wicker Man Knows the Lord of War's National Treasure is Hidden in the City of Angels Guarded By a Moonstruck Ghost Rider."

"Yes, I suppose, but- Ah, damn it!" Zapp cursed as he looked up at the monitor only to see Koji's lifeless body slumped over a bowl of Bachelor Chow. "I missed it! Koji died while we were talking! You'd have better damn well been DVRing that, Kif!"

"We don't _have _a DVR. You said Betamax is coming back."

"Wise words, Kif. Wise words indeed," Zap said as he steepled his fingers, "That being said," he continued, "How do I know for a fact that Koji actually died from a heart attack? It could have just as easily been due to an over-cooked ham, or spoiled Soylent Green."

"If you don't believe me, why don't you test it out yourself?" Fry asked as he walked up to Zapp and handed him the notebook.

He flipped it open, and quickly scanned through the pages, which were filled with names - though he recognized none. "So?" he said as he shook the notebook up and down, "How does this thing work?"

"You just write in a name, and wait."

"Are you sure we should be toying with a potential weapon of murder?" Kif asked.

"I'm not sure, Kif," replied Zapp, "I'm _positive_! It would be stupid if I _didn't_!"

Kif sighed in response, as he had made a habit of doing.

Zapp was quick to pull out a laser-point pen out of his uniform, but stopped before turning it on. "I... can't do this..." he sighed.

"Oh, thank heavens," Kif sighed in relief.

"Yes, I am unable to use this notebook... Because I don't have a name to write down! Kif, go to Wikipedia and find someone for me to kill. Preferably someone fat. I've always wanted to see a fat man die falling down a flight of stairs."

"Stop right there, Zapp!"

"Kif, your voice has become so feminine, and strangely arousing. What gives?" Zapp asked as he swiveled his chair around in place. Standing in the doorway pointing a gun in his direction was none other than Turanga Leela. "Leela! Now it makes sense! But wait, aren't you supposed to be sealed away in Bring?"

"And me!" Amy said, pushing her way through the door, and around Leela, "I'm also supposed to be there!"

"Yes, and you, the pink one that Kif likes who I had sex with!"

"And I busted them out!" shouted Bender as he pushed them both out of the way. "That's just how I roll, baby!"

"Well, it's too late for all of you! I've already written your names down in this notebook - along with Kif! Surrender now and I'll erase your names!"

"Does it even work that way?" asked Amy.

"Well, yes... I mean... Kif, you know about alien technology. Tell me I haven't made a horrible mistake."

Kif sighed once more. He took the notebook from Zapp and opened it up. Inside was a list of rules. After a few seconds of searching, Kif read aloud, "The human who's name is written in this notebook... shall die."

"Woo-hoo! Bender lives to bend another day!" cheered Bender.

"Give me that!" Zapp said snatching the notebook away from Kif. "You've clearly read it like an idiot!" he said as he quickly glanced through the rules. "Hmm, nope. Actually, you were right on the money."

"How long before we all die? Do I have enough time to fix my hair?" asked Amy, who was currently brushing her hair with a comb she had in her pocket.

"Maybe," answered Zapp, "I'd say you have about ten seconds to live. In fact, let's count it down. Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Six... Five... Four... Three... Two... _One_..."

"Ohmygod! I'm dying!" yelled Bender as he clenched his chest and fell to the floor. Glances were exchanged before Bender suddenly jumped up and yelled, "Nah. I was just screwing with you."

"I... I don't understand! The notebook... But how?"

"That's because the notebook is fake!" exclaimed Fry, which was quickly followed by everyone looking in his direction.

"But... Koji died on TV! That proves it's real!" Zapp said as he flipped through the notebook. "See? His name is written down right here!"

"Oooh! Ooooooh!" Bender said as he raised his right arm in the air, while jumping up and down. "I suddenly remember!" Bender paused, taking a deep breath, "The reason Iron Chef Koji died was because I had _already_ written his name down in the _real _notebook, and specified exactly when he was to die! Right in the middle of his live show! The notebook you're holding, is nothing more than an elaborate duplicate! A fake if you will!"

"It doesn't matter! I'll just take the real notebook from you, and arrest you all for being accomplices of Benra!"

"You _could _do that," answered Bender, "If it wasn't for the fact that the notebook you're holding is currently covered in your DNA!"

"What?" asked Zapp, "No it isn't! I'm wearing gloves! Sexy, _sexy _gloves..."

"Hey, Zapp."

"Yes, my scrumptious cat-like, Leela?"

"This is for trying to kill us. Hi-yah!" she yelled as she smashed Zapp's face directly into the notebook he was holding. "There, now it _is_ covered in your DNA."

"Yoink!" Bender said as he snatched the notebook from Zapp, before dropping it into a mylar bag.

"Fine!" Zapp grunted as he rubbed his sore face, "You may have my face-prints! But that thing is covered in all of your DNA too!"

"Nope. You were the only one who touched it. I'm wearing gloves," Fry said as he held up his hands, revealing the gloves he had put on earlier.

"And I'm a robot!" added Bender. "That much is obvious, but I felt like reminding you again. After all, I _am _pretty great."

"You're forgetting one thing! That notebook is a fake!" Zapp said as he pointed to the notebook-in-a-bag which was currently being held by Bender.

"But _you're_ forgetting that I, Bender, have the _real _notebook. We'll just turn this fake one into the authorities, and if they feel the need to test it, then I'll just write in the real one at the same time! No one's the wiser. Meanwhile, you'll be off rotting on some godforsaken planet charged with being that magnificent bastard known only as, Benra!"

"Sir," Kif said, "If I may add something?"

"Yes, lieutenant?"

"You're screwed."

"Must you choose _now _to finally grow a pair?" Zapp said before turning his attention towards, Amy, Bender, and Leela. "What do you want in exchange for keeping quite about this whole matter?"

"Simple," said Bender, "We destroy this notebook, you let everyone go, and we never speak of this ever again."

"That would be all well and fine, if it wasn't for the fact that I already informed Nixon that I captured, Benra! He's scheduled to be executed, live on national television, later this afternoon!"

"You were going to have me _executed_?" Leela yelled, shocked at the fact that Zapp would do that to _her _of all people.

"No! Well, yes! Maybe! I don't know! I hadn't thought that far ahead!" Zapp squirmed.

"Don't worry, everybody!" Bender said as he lit up a cigar and began puffing away, "Good 'ol Bender has a solution that will fix everything!"


	12. That Wraps Everything Up!

"I, the head of Richard M. Nixon hereby sentence you, Benra, to death by massive electrocution. Do you have any last words?" Nixon asked as cameras floated nearby. However, there was no response from Benra, "Alright men, let's get this live execution over with."

Strapped into the electric chair was a tiny Snugglesnit wearing a purple mask. "Benwa?" it asked.

"May whatever sick God created you, have mercy on your most likely nonexistent soul," said Nixon. "Flip the switch!"

* * *

The TV flashed a series of bright lights through Planet Express as the gang watched the execution on TV.

Bender yawned, "Well, I guess that wraps everything up!"

"Hold on a second, tinker-toy," said Leela as Bender began to make his way out of the room. "How exactly did you manage to rescue us from Zapp in the first place? In fact, how did you avoid capture at _all_?"

"Yes!" Zapp added. "I'm rather curious about that too. I mean, I understand the whole face thing, and the thing about the notebook, but the rest is fuzzy."

"Remind me why we invited them in again?" Bender asked as he pointed towards Zapp Branigan and Kif Kroker who had apparently joined the Planet Express crew in watching execution of Fake Benra.

"Just answer the question!"

"Okay, okay. Well..." Bender began, "When Zapp came to arrest Benra I had to think fast. I knew Zapp would have a Truth-o-scope with him, as is standard DOOP procedure-"

"Yes, yes! We know all this already! Get on with it!" Zapp interrupted.

"I'm _trying_ to!" Bender replied shaking his fists. "Basically, I decided the only way to prove my innocence was to erase my memory! After which it was simply a matter of allowing the Truth-o-scope to work it's magic!"

"But you were searched! They found nothing on you!" exclaimed Zapp.

"Well, duh. That's because I gave the _real _notebook to Fry, and gave him simple instructions. I told him to hide it where it wouldn't be found by anyone."

"So _that's _why you told me you were Benra, and made me hide that notebook! I thought it was just part of some scheme to take over Planet Express."

"No, that plan's still on the back burner for the time being."

"That explains how you avoided capture, but not how you rescued us," said Amy.

"Actually," Fry said, "I was the one who came up with the plan. I found this piece of paper with a detailed description explaining how to rescue you," he said as he held up the piece of paper.

Leela took the paper from Fry, and after a few moments of looking it up and down declared, "After carefully looking over this note, for almost twenty whole seconds, I have come to the conclusion that this was written by none other than, _Bender_!"

"But how! How do you know!" Hermes exclaimed.

"The note makes numerous references to Bender, and his alleged 'greatness'. Furthermore, it's written in Bender's handwriting, the note was clearly ripped from Bender's special crime-notepad, and finally, it states very clearly at the bottom, 'written, and edited by Bender Bending Rodríguez'! Bender?" Leela said turning her attention towards the robot, "What exactly is going on here?"

"Gaaaah! Alright!" cried Bender, "You see, I didn't just avoid being arrested. I also had both you and Amy arrested in my place! _BUT I CAN EXPLAIN!_ You see, I _didn't _want to go to jail!"

"I ought to kill you right now!" Leela said pulling out a gun, "In fact, give me one reason why I shouldn't!"

"I have more to explain!"

"Wait!" Zapp said as he pulled out his own gun and pointed it at Bender, "If Leela is going to shoot him, then I'll shoot him double as much! Are you impressed yet, my purple haired wanderlust?"

"Do you even know what that word means?" asked Leela.

"I know that it has the word 'lust' in it."

"Are you two going to argue, or are you going to let me explain!" yelled Bender.

"Let's hear him out!" said Zoidberg.

"Shut up, Zoidberg!" replied Bender, before adding, "Zoidberg is right! Hear what I have to say!"

"Fine. We're listening," said Leela. "However, I'm still going to kill you when you finish talking."

"Sounds fair," said Fry.

"Alright, well, after I ran out, Fry followed me, and I _knew _the Truth-o-scope wouldn't be able to read his mind, due to his brain-thing!"

"Oh, you mean from my diddling in the past!"

"Uh, yeah, sure, that. I knew Zapp would think it was broken, and wouldn't bother using it on Amy or Leela."

"But that still doesn't explain why Leela ordered all those boots using your money!" Zapp said.

"That's simple. When I hugged Leela I simply placed a virus on her WristLoJackimator that caused it to remotely access my bank account and order a bunch of boots... And _don't _even think about using it again! I've already changed the password!"

"Well, that explains where all these boots came from," Amy said, as she pointed out the window to a truck that was dumbing boxes of boots outside Planet Express. "How many did you order?"

"I don't know. Probably a hundred thousand."

"I for one am proud that Bender ordered so many boots," said the Professor, holding a boot filled with some sort of liquid. "They make great tea cups!" he said as he took a sip from it.

"Uh, Professor, that's _not _tea," said Leela.

"And this isn't a cup!" he replied.

"You know what else is strange?" Amy asked.

"The fact that the Professor is drinking boot juice?" Hermes asked.

"No, the fact that Zapp came here. _Zapp_. The only person to get lost in a black hole, _twice_. He somehow knew to come to Planet Express."

"Well, I was tipped off by someone in Planet Express, but I have no idea who!"

"Let me guess..." Leela said turning to face Bender.

"Aaaagh! Alright! That was me too! I called Zapp, and told him that Benra worked at Planet Express, and I gave him the statistics to back up his claim!"

"You mean to tell me, you didn't do _any _work?" Kif asked Zap.

"I had to get up to take the call! Doesn't that count as work?"

"That raises another question," said Leela. "It's a video-phone, Zapp. How did you not recognize Bender?"

"He was wearing a mask! A _ski-mask_!

"If all of this is true," asked Leela, "How is it that you remember any of it? You said yourself you erased your memory!"

"Obviously I made a copy. It was set to go online after a certain amount of time had passed. The countdown just happened to expire while were confronting Zapp!"

"But why, Bender? Why did you do all this?" asked Fry.

"Why? _Why? _Isn't it obvious? This whole plot was nothing more than a plea for attention! All this time you've been spending with Leela has left me feeling lonely. So I did the only thing I could! I used a weapon of mass murder to formulate a plot to separate you, and prove just how much you need me! That being said, all the money wasn't bad either..." Bender said as he flipped through a stack of dollars in his hands.

"You did this whole thing just because you think I've been spending too much time with Fry?"

"Yep! So just don't do it again!" Bender said as he lit up a cigar. "You know, there's something that's still bothering me. How is it that I was able to kill robots using a Death Note?"

"Oh, I think I can explain that one!" said the Professor. "When you came in contact with the Death Note, it's death-particles worked their way into your system. This caused you to subconsciously send a virus to whatever robot you wrote down in the notebook, which caused their systems to completely shut down within mere moments upon infection."

"That makes complete sense!" cheered Bender, "Well, sort of. But that still doesn't explain how I killed the little angel on my shoulder!"

"Whaa?"

"An angel. On my shoulder. I killed it by writing it's name down."

"Oh... Let's just chalk that one up to an over-active imagination!"

"Works for me!" yelled Bender. "By the way, Fry, where did you put that notebook? I think I'll be needing it back now."

"Sorry, Bender, but I don't have it anymore."

"What? Then who does!"

"Well, you told me to hide it somewhere no one would find it, so I sent it to the Central Bureaucracy."

Bender took a deep breath, "_**NOOOOOOOOOOOO**__ooooooooooo_! Eh, oh well, I still have all the money I made from my dastardly deeds," he said as he flipped through his cash once again. "At least no one else will ever find it either."

"Aren't you forgetting one thing?" the shinigami began to laugh, "You never transfered ownership of the Death Note, and since it was never destroyed either, I still have to follow you around... _forever_! And only you and your orange haired friend here can see or hear me!"

"But aren't _you _forgetting that _you're _stuck with _me _until the universe destroys itself? If anything, this is a punishment for _you_, considering all the nasty places I tend to lounge around! _Mauhahahahaha_!"

"_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_" the shinigami screamed.

"Now come on! We're going porno roller skating!" Bender said as he ran out of the room, and the shinigami was forced to follow. A few seconds passed before Bender ran back in. "I'll be needing that!" he said as he stretched his arms out up towards the ceiling, and pulled out the blue roller-skate that was lodged in it.

Upon removing the roller-skate the entire building began to shake. The ceiling began to collapse, as did the walls around them. The floor beneath them gave way, and soon the entire Planet Express Crew along with Zapp and Kif found themselves buried beneath the rubble.

"Is everyone okay?" Leela asked pulling herself out of the beneath the remains of Planet Express.

"I think so," said Amy, "but Zoidberg is dead."

"He doesn't look dead," said Fry.

"I'm not dead!" shouted Zoidberg, jumping out from beneath the rubble.

"Like I said," Amy replied as she kicked Zoidberg down, before shoving a pile of the debris on him, "Zoidberg is dead."

"Well, I think it's safe to assume that we all learned a valuble lesson today."

"What are you talking about?" asked Zapp, "You nearly caused Leela to be executed!"

"Not to mention all the people you killed in order to gain that ill gotten money," added Hermes.

"All valid points, but you're forgetting the lesson!"

"Which is?" asked Leela.

"The lesson is simple. The lesson is this: _**Bender is great**_!" Bender said before walking off into the sunset, "Come on you lousy god of death, we have strip clubs to invest in! Hahahaha! Bender is great!"


End file.
